Você gostaria de comer Tea and Krumpets?

I always knew
my geography was hideous;
we weren't taught that in school.
We only had map skills.

I took geography in college,
which consisted
of knowing the capitals
of every country in the world,

which I memorized,
and promptly forgot
after every test.

I remember
going over the terrain,
because the teacher
spent a lot of time

talking about the devastation
that could occur
if a tsunami ever hit the
Bangladesh area.

Foreshadowing.
This was 1992.

And I only remember that
because she pronounced it "Bongladesh"
which sent me
into fits of hysterical laughter
every time she said it.

27 year old mature me.

Other than that
I know nothing.

My whole life
whenever I sit on the beach
and stare out at the ocean
toward England,
I've wondered
if someone in England
was sitting on their beach
staring out and looking at us.

And I thought that if I swam
straight across the ocean,
I'd meet that person
And we'd have
tea and crumpets.

Today I found out
that we're directly
across from Portugal!
I've been staring
at Portuguese people
and didn't even know it.

So, I've been staring
at someone
who doesnt speak
my language.
and would probably
serve me some Portuguese  
fish dinner

that I don't even like.

Deers, and owls, and skeletons, oh my!

My niece, Kelly is 8.
The absolute best age to teach
They love school,
They're excited to learn.
Not yet fresh-heads,
who talk back,
They're still in awe of school
and love the teacher.

So when Kelly and I were
carving a pumpkin together,
I asked her
what she was learning
In science
and she mentioned

The body.
the heart.
I got excited,
and told her
I could get a deer heart
to give to her teacher.
She said she'd
have to ask her mom.

Then she said they learned
sbout how food
went down their belly.

I got excited
told her I had a lesson
that showed the whole
digestive system,
where they could
make the first bite
all the way
to poop.

She said Yuck!
But we laughed hysterically!
50 year old,
mature aunt Julie.

Then she said this week
they were
working on the skeleton.

I got excited
told her I could get her
Owl pellets.

Which are basically
owl throw up.
of the stuff
that owls can't digest.
whole skeletons
of animals they've eaten.
you pick through the pellet,
find  the bones,
then put the skeleton
back together.

As soon as I said
throw up,
she was shaking her head.
Even when I
told her I could
get fake pellets.

Then I realized
I had the perfect
skeleton lesson
And I offered her
pictures of my vertebrae.
15 years.
Of Cds, and x-rays,
That she was really
Excited about

When I told her that
I could show her the
Broken vertebrae
all the screws
And rods
And cadaver bone
And cages
And how
every couple of years
the screws and rods
Got higher and higher
Up my back
I made it sound
Spooky

She loved it!
She said she'd
run in and call
her mom!!

"And Aunt Julie.
what were they called?"
Vertebrae

"Veldebed"
me: close, ver te brae
"veee debrel"
Me: You're getting close, vertebrae
"veertabbed" "ventaded"

Me: ok why don't you go in
and call your mom
and we'll work on
you pronouncing
it later
So she ran in
And two minutes later

And very nonchalantly,
comes out
The back door
And, over her shoulder,
I guess proud,
for finally learning
how to say the word,
Says to me
"I told my mom about your
veraBradleys".

Lee Greenwood, hope you don't mind

Sorry, not funny but, thus bothered me....

Across town, we had a little boy wander from his home in the middle of the night this week. The whole town searched for an hour in the morning, and they found him a couple blocks away, laying near some woods. They don't know what happened, and, thank God, so far it doesn't look like anybody did anything. The whole town stood by each other, and the poor family. I was so proud of the community, that, Lee Greenwood, I've taken some liberties and changed the words to your song "Proud to be an American", and shared it on the community web pag.

If tomorrow
someone asked me,
What I thought of
where I live.

Haddon Township's
Full of people,
With extra love and
Hope to give.

I'd thank my luck stars,
to be living here today,
Cause the town all got together
In the most amazing way.

And I'm proud to live
in my home town,
Cause when that
Young boy died.
We stood together,
Hand in hand and
wiped our tears,
we cried.
And I'd gladly stand up
Next to you,
A stranger,
Hold on tight.
Cause there ain't no doubt
This tragedy,
Changed us overnight

From Graisbury,
To Cuthbert,
To Haddon Avenue.
From Greenman road,
To South Park Drive
Locust avenue.

Newton Creek too,
Across the Pike,
To Berwick,
Yeah, it's true.

Where there's pride
In every one of our hearts,
And it's time to stand and say
That Haddon Township
Though it's huge,
This nightmare
Made us tight.
We gathered
In a group for him,
To burn the candle lights,
Those who couldn't be there,
Well they,
made their feelings known,
On every doorstep round the town,
Lights and candles shone.

And I'm proud to live
in my home town,
Cause when that
Young boy died,
We stood together,
Hand in hand and
wiped our tears,
we cried.
And I'd gladly stand up
Next to you,
A stranger
Hugging me,
We sent that angel
on his way,
God bless that family.

Senior citizens have sex too, you know!

My mom called
County Social Services
for Senior Citizens
asking them to send
me any info they could,
to help me with my 95
year old cousin, Betty.

I got a huge envelope,
filled with phone numbers,
a brochure, and presents;
a deck of cards, tape measure,
jar opener, pill box,
and a diaphragm.

A diaphragm. Huh.
I have heard that sex
is running rampant
in nursing homes.
But pregnancy surely
isn't a problem.
And a diaphragm
doesn't protect
against STDS
which I know is the
problem.

So I sat there
looking at it.
Trying to imagine
that conversation.

"Here Betty, here's your
diaphragm. You know,
so your 95 year old eggs
don't get you pregnant.

"But, Betty, you still
have to use protection,
so you don't get an STD.
Oh, a sexually transmitted disease.
It means you "caught" it from someone.
No. not a cold.
You get it because you didn't,
you know, "protect"  yourself.
No, not because you didn't wear
warm clothes.
Because the guy didn't
wear protection.
No, not a hat and mittens.
Protection against
a sexually transmitted disease.
No, not the measles.
Not chicken pox either.

Look, here's a deck of cards.
Have your friends over
and keep busy doing that
instead."

I finally picked the "diaphragm" up.
And flipped it over.
And on the back it said:
"Medicine bottle opener
Place rubber ring over
top of medicine bottle and
pull. Lid will come off easily".

Amazing Grace? Who saved a wretch like her?

I did nothing but complain
about the Pope visit.
Because it was disrupting our lives
Papal - roads closed
Papal - on the news
Papal papal papal
Then Saturday came
And I watched every bit of it
From the moment Shepherd One
Touched down in Philly
Till it took off for Rome
Every bit of it

Except for Aretha
That horror show
I'm embarrassed
That she walked out and
Didn't acknowledge
the Pope
And started singing
a song
One of THE most holy
Songs of all
And RUINED IT

In the papers
It was written like this:

"infamous, dramatic soulful pauses
before stirring up some holy spirit
and dancing her way off stage."

She's arrogant
And snotty
But not uppity
Because I just found out
that "uppity" is racist

Even though it has
the same definition

Regardless
She's a pompous ass

She may not be Catholic
And she may not believe
In what the Pope preaches
But she was there to sing
FOR HIM

she should have at least turned
And nodded

And maybe sang a song
That was recognizable
And not a dichotomy

Because, Aretha
You were definitely a wretch
And you were anything
But graceful

Papal rain, papal haze

Papal
Papal
Papal
I've heard it so many times in the last couple months, especially this week, that the word has lost any religious meaning and has taken on a life if it's own.
The tri-state area is paralyzed because of the papal visit.
Traveling will be impossible because of the papal visit.
Expect congestion in Philadelphia, and all of south Jersey, because of the papal visit.
With all of the preparations, it's more than a papal visit.
We're getting ready for Hurricane Francis.

Who's who?

Thursday September 17th
I'm watching the debate and find it confusing that there are no names under each candidate.

So I named them myself to keep them straight; silly-hair, jack-ass, sad-sack, du-uude, the doctor, the preacher, creepy, B3, who's that?, the girl, and Chris Christie

I'm 50. I'm pretty

I went to a funeral yesterday morning in Philly. 

and when I left, I thought my car was making this horrible noise,

but no lights were on the dashboard so I ignored it . 

And blamed it on the city. 

A couple times, cars with guys in them passed and honked at me, 

and I was all proud, cause, you know, I'm 50.

I had a dress on, my hair was braided, jewelry on;

I could still attract attention, so in my head I was singing "I'm 50, I'm pretty".

Then a huge dump truck pulled up, 

and the guy leaned out and yelled "hey, you're -" I couldn't hear the rest.

but he pointed at the car. 

Not me. 

He pointed at the car. 

So I pulled over.

Yup. Of course.

I had run over the orange cone that said "funeral home".

It was caught between my tire and the wheel well. 

and I had driven, with it stuck there, all the way down to the bridge. 

boo boos and skinned knees at 49 years old

I'm gonna be 50 years old on August 6th, yet I'm still getting boo-boos every week on my knees.

Just as one heals, I bang my knee and get a new one.

I take blood thinners, so one little scratch makes the room look like a crime scene. 

I may have boo-boos but, oh my god! I have Awesome calves!

I can't take credit for them. 

They came with my legs.

#calvestodiefor
#keepingjohnsonandjohnsoninbusiness
#littkekidknees

Skunk whisperer

I was sitting outside on the steps in Avalon when I felt something brush my leg.

I looked down and it was a blonde cat.

My Aunt Cynthia and Uncle George have two cats, Ava and Lona (of last year's fame), who are calico and grey/white.

So I said to this cat, "Where'd you come from?"

It turned its head up and looked at me, all cute and innocent. 

with his pointy black face. 

That's when I saw his black stripe.

I did a triple gasp, and said to him "Why are you out now, it's not even totally dark yet?" 

I swear he smiled at me 

Then, he turned around and scooted back under the house.

And I know, I just know, that he was excited to tell all the skunks and skunklets: 

"She's baaaack!!"

#skunkwhisperer

#stinkbutt

#housefulloftomatojuice

Sunset in Stone Harbor

Eensy weensy spider climbed up my pillowcase

I walked in from outside

and plopped down on my bed

and a spider crawled from my shirt

onto my pillow 

I quickly flicked it into the floor because, well, ew. 

Who wants a spider walking on their pillow?

Them I sicced the cat on it.

After much fun chasing it around, 

the cat ate it. 

Then jumped up on the bed 

And threw it up.

All over my pillow. 

#spidervsvomit?

It's ok to run over Catholics

I was sitting at a red light in front of a church.

It had a sign that said "Watch out for Presbyterians in crosswalks". 

Pretty specific sign. 

Especially for a church. 

If you hit a Presbyterian did you go to hell? 

Was there any leeway?

What if it was their fault because they were jaywalking?

If you hit an Episcopalian, Baptist, Methodist, or a Lutheran, were you damned because they were also Protestants?

Did that mean that it was ok to hit a Catholic?

While I pondered this, a horn honked so I pulled away.

But I looked back to read the sign again.

Yup.

"Watch out for Pedestrians in the crosswalk".

#Mowingdownpedestrians #gladimnotcatholic

Microsoft "wiruses" in India

There is no Microsoft respond center that monitors your computer remotely. 

The Indian men who call to tell that your computer is full of "wiruses" are scamming you. 

If you're going to scam people, at least learn to pronounce the letter V   

#getajobinyourowncountry      #stopthirdworldscammers 

#callthembackandsellthemcamels

Alligator shoo

There's an alligator on my mom 

and dad's good course 

My mom got an email labout it 

Then she actually saw it when she was golfing 

It was just sitting there 

On the 6th hole 

She said it was big. 

Really big 

Like at least 8 feet long 

So last night when I heard a dog whimpering 

them screaming

I immediately thought of the alligator

My mom and dad have been here 20 years. 

I sit outside whenever I'm here and I've never once heard a dog bark, let alone cry and whimper like that. 

It was horrifying.

I tried yelling in to wake my dad, 

but my mom and he were in there competing over who could break the sound barrier with only a snore. 

So I started whistling loudly from the safety of my front patio. 

Then, I lowered my voice to what I hoped was Barry White decibels, but in all reality was more Betty White, and I thundered (squeaked) "HEY!" across the street. 

The whimpering continued 

and then some snarling started, 

so I was hopeful that meant that the dog was fighting back.

I didn't want to go inside because I was petrified to sit there alone. 

But I didn't want that poor dog to feel 

it's last breaths on earth were unheard 

So I stayed on the porch and rocked back and forth quickly, 

while covering my ears. 

Taking my hands off every few seconds at a time, 

just to see if it was finally over, 

all the while I was hissing and whistling 

and making every noise I could to scare the alligator away. 

Finally

Finally the screaming stopped 

The horrible whimpering and snarling,

It was over. 

I didn't realize I had been holding my breath but as I let it out,

I was wondering if I was gonna see the alligator come swishing on over to this side of the street. 

And the carnage. 

God bless who ever had to clean that up in the morning. 

This was all running through my head when I saw the dog come running out from behind that house across the street. 

It didn't even register until a minute or so later when I saw movement from the other side of that house. 

Another dog came running out. 

All that hooting whistling and hollering I was doing? 

It's mating season. 

It was just background music for the two of them

while they made sweet, sweet love in the grass.....

#crocodilerock #alligatorshoo #doggiestyle

Sitting in a puddle

I had a meeting in Stone Harbor this morning, so naturally I was nervous.

I always sweat when I'm nervous

And I was wearing my ($1.00 lucky brand) jeans, which if you know me, I never wear pants, let alone jeans,

So I was sweating even more. 

I had the air conditioning on in my car, the window open, and my hair was wet so I really shouldn't have been as hot I was, but I was dripping wet. 

I actually felt like I was melting. 

I asked Siri the temp in Avalon and it was only 59 so it didn't make sense. 

I chalked it up to nerves, rolled my pants up, and sweated my way down the shore. 

I couldn't wait to get out of the car right next to the ocean so that the freezing breeze would cool me off. 

I reached over to pull my keys out 

and saw that I had driven the whole way down with my seat heater on. 

#puddlesofsweat #nervesofsweat

Losing a covered wagon

Ah, Haddonfield.

Charming town nestled in Camden County

Steeped in rich history.

Proud of its magnificent colonial buildings

Yet, if the settlers, The Quakers, came to town today, they'd just ride on past.

And you'd hear them exclaim as they rode out of sight.

"What the hell's up with those potholes?"

#coveredwagons #haddonfieldnj #quakers #grandcanyonsizedpotholes

FaceTime with Liz Claiborne

I missed a FaceTime call from my sister, so I immediately FaceTime'd her back. We were talking for a little bit, so I was just waiting for the comment about my having a hoodie on. And to take it off so she could see my face.

As I looked closer though, I realized I couldn't see her face either. Something was obstructing it.

So I asked if she was driving. And  figured that maybe the phone was situated next to her so that she could see me at red lights. Maybe it had slipped down and I was looking up at jacket.

She was driving.

So I asked what I was looking at.

"Oh, are we on FaceTime?"

She thought it was a regular voice call, so I had been staring at, and talking to the inside of her purse.

#facetime #lizclaiborne

Misconstrued lyrics

I love that song "marry you" by Bruno Mars. 

It's my favorite right now and I play it on repeat the whole time I walk.

 

I know he's a quarter Jewish but I still couldn't figure out why he'd wanna put into his song "is it this dancing jew?"

So I had to look up the lyrics.

Is it this dancing juice.

Mine makes more sense. 

#brunomars # dancing juice #misconstruedlyrics

Judy Yimka

While at West Chester I interviewed at a couple of places to work at after -school programs. After a couple of days with no call backs I was getting frustrated. I was at Kim's house so I called my roommate to see if there were any messages about a callback. 

I could hear her rustling through notes on my desk, then she got back on and said that there was note there from Judy Yimka. 

Weird name, I interviewed with a Judy, but the last name didn't sound familiar. I called the number. This is the message I got:

"You have reached Judy, Y.M.C.A."

Bazooka flavored cat food

I had to get antibiotics for my cat, the pink amoxicillin we had when we were kids. It even had the same bubblegum flavor. Not that I tasted it, but I could smell it. 

You'd think for a cat they'd make like, cricket, or mouse flavored. 

#catfood #catmedicine

The beginning of summertime!!!

Today is the day that I've been waiting for since November. I don't even have to change my clocks, because I keep them on summer time. Totally worth losing that hour of sleep to get that extra hour of daylight. I'm a summer person, who enjoys snow while I'm waiting for my beach time. Yay time change: best night of the year!!!

My duck boots caused nudity

The high duck boots are a pain in the butt to get on. They're not warm, so you have to wear 3 pairs of socks to keep your feet from freezing, which makes them even harder to put on. They are however water resistant, which is the cause of the problem: the boot is made up of one big piece of leather and you have to loosen it to stick your foot in.  

I end up doing ballerina toe points to get my feet into the leather part, but then I have to go through hell trying to get my heel in. Finally I realized that putting a plastic bag over my socks helps my foot slide in somewhat easily. Only problem is that I'm stuck with plastic bags on my feet. If I'm not going anywhere, I leave them and tuck them in. Otherwise I tug at them until the bag rips, thus pulling my toes so far backwards, my foot is now almost an inverted semi-circle. 

It was a full moon Thursday night and the sky cleared enough that I could go out to take pictures. Only problem: it was like 8°. Literally. So, I threw on a bunch of sweatshirts, long underwear, 3 pairs of socks and started the duck boot dance. The socks were thick, so even with the bags, I was having a hard time pulling them on. I swear it took like 10 minutes of huffing and puffing. But I finally got it done and stood up ready to go out. I still felt a little cold though.... 

I had forgotten to put on pants. 

#Nude #sporto #duckboots #freezinginNJ

Once there was a little green ball of clay

I realized that even my dreams are fun when I woke up this morning singing the theme song from "Gumby". And his pony pal Pokey too. 

#Gumby,damnit #ponypalpokeytoo #ihavefunnestdreamsever

Never lose your iPhone again

I play on my iPhone a lot. A LOT. As in all the time: if the battery dies down, I use my old iPhone 4 till the iPhone 5 recharges. I write, play games, surf, post, blog, tweet, text etc., so much, that I use a stylus. 

I have a lanyard attaching the stylus to the phone because, well, you know: I lose stuff, flush stuff, drop stuff, break stuff, and so on. This way I'm not hunting for the stylus all the time.

Yesterday, my friend Bob came over, and as usual, I was sitting on my front steps playing some game or other. 

While we were talking he noticed the phone and the lanyard, but didn't see the stylus because it was in my pocket. 

He looked at me and said "Good God, Julie, you love your phone so much you have to keep it on a leash?"

#iphoneonaleash #iphonefun

I feel sorry for teenagers today.....

I feel sorry for teenagers today. With Facebook, Twitter, text messages, and Instagram, you can't pretend he tried to call you and couldn't get through because of a busy signal...

 #poorteenagers #lonelyteenagers #facebook #instagram #twitter  

Seniors pay less

We went to the movies last night and the ticket seller, being cute, said to my friend, "that's a child's ticket right?" And she laughed. I got up there and he said same thing to me, "child's ticket right?"And I waved my hand and said "noooo, a senior." And he gave it to me. 

I couldn't decide whether to be excited about the $4.00 he took off or ticked about the 15 years he added to my life...

Laters, baby

#fiftyshadesofgrey #seniorspayless #flirtingsavedme$4

Facebook posts that can be put to pasture

Facebook posts that can be put to pasture. And never brought back again. They can go the way of "baby on board", "my kid is an honor student", or "my kid beat up your honor student".

All Facebook posts that need to stop and go the way of "baby on board", and"my kid is an honor student". Stop. Just stop! 

Pictures of hands making a heart shape. Thank you, Taylor Swift for that obnoxious, overused by teenagers and, NOW hospitals, cloying little gesture.

Pictures of food. Great. You eat. Who doesn't?

Pictures of anyone over the age of 3 with their chin resting on their folded up hands. Grow up. It's almost not cute when kids do it, it's most certainly not cute from a 40 year old. 

Pictures of your lunch. Good for you. You're eating again. 

Pictures of your pet breathing.

The same selfie pose of you 33 times a day, every day. Pull your lips in. That pouty look actually resembles a butthole. 

Messages that end with "if you don't pass this on, you're heartless". Ok. I'm heartless. 

Messages that start with "I laughed so hard, I cried". These always build up the video to such epic proportions you can't wait to see it, only to see someone get hit in their naughty bits, or a puppy and a kid playing together. 

Messages that tell you how to feel: "this video will tug at your heartstrings and you'll never look at ---- the same way again". Yes I will. I saw the same video last week, only it was set in a different country. 

LOL: stop and think. would you really LOL if  you were together in person. Probably not. So, don't lie. Either don't respond, or write Thanks, I got your joke! Or haha. Or if it's dumb, "groan". 

Pictures of your dinner. Great, you're doing the same thing every other person in the country is: eating. Stop bragging. 

The same one word post every single day "Java". We get it, you want coffee.

YOLO: that term has been around since Eve died and didn't return. Adam turned to the snake and said "Wow, you only live once!".

Quotes that aren't verified or attributed to the wrong person: "Don't believe everything you read on the Internet, just because there's a quote and a picture next to it"- Abraham Lincoln

Ben Franklin- "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't be sure of their authenticity." 

Scary unfounded, unchecked rumors: "Ebola found in Collingswood, NJ" "I heard that a student in Sharp school was sent home with Ebola because her father was in Lebanon last week". 

I can probably think of a dozen more but I heard that Facebook is monitoring posts now, lol, and I don't want to get pulled into Mark Zuckerberg's office and questioned.....but hey, YOLO!

Who really sang the National Anthem at the Super Bowl?

I was at a birthday party for my 14 year old niece, when the Super Bowl started. John Legend came on and sang the National Anthem. There was a table full of pre-teens eating cake so I turned to them and said "Come on guys, get up and put your hand on your heart, you need to honor your country". 

I pulled my hoodie down and put my hand on my heart, but, thinking I was kidding, they all laughed and stayed seated. 

So I gently bellowed "GET UP and put your hand on your heart. There are not many things that I am emphatic about, but our National Anthem is one of them!!"

They got up. 

I turned and asked the adults in the living room to follow suit, so they all stood up too. 

So, as I sang about purple mountain majesties and fruited plains, I told the kids how the song gives me chills every time I hear it, and that it's my my favorite song because it's about my country and ends with "sea to shining sea".

The song ended we sat down and Idina Menzel came on. The first two words out of her mouth "Oh say" and I froze. I realized what I had done. 

Denise turned to me and said "Julie, THAT'S the National Anthem"!

I turned to the kids and said, "Ok guys get up. Now that we've practiced..." 

#johnlegend. #idinamenzel  #nationalanthem  #getyoursongsstraight

WWF is not fake; it's living on my pajamas

I'm a little behind on my wash, like before Christmas behind, so I had about 7 mountains of it go out yesterday. I mean, I've done some small loads in between, (draws and pajamas), but the rest of the stuff has piled up to epic proportions. 

Seeing as how I have no clean pajamas left, I'm stuck wearing this: draws and a sweatshirt, feety pajamas, with a hood and pockets that are green and black with John Cena WWF, written all over them. 

They were the ONLY feety pajamas available last year so I bought them.  

I'm so pretty. 

#50yearsoldinfeetypajamas

#whoisjohncena

#wwfisrealandlivingonmypajamas

Inter-uterine explosive device

For some reason I kept calling an IED (incendiary explosive device) an inter-uterine explosive device.

Till I realized I was confusing, and combining IED and IUD. 

But then I realized that my version of IED was perfect for a woman in labor. 

"Dr. Smith, we've got a woman with an IED on her way in. She said she felt it start to rumble around 3 hours ago" 

"Thanks, I'll be there in an hour. Since this is her first, tell her not to expect it to blow for another 12-20 hours."

"Ok doctor, can you check on the Thompson baby when you get in? Those premature IEDs always worry me. They may make a quiet entrance but they leave a big hole in the parents heart until they're healthy."

"Sure, Hey!!! How about the head on that baby last night! Talk about an IED! That baby ripped a hole in that poor mom; you could see her throat."

When I get pregnant, I'm hoping they'll have come up with a better solution to the IED.

Maybe feeding the mom in labor a lot of cod liver oil, so he just slips out. 

Or maybe some in-utero yoga, so the baby's able to gently fold himself into a position that he just bends through the pelvis.

Yeah, the IED part's nothing to look forward to, but, no matter how they get here, they're worth the blast.

#ied #ied #pregnant #gethimoutofthere #ohmygodshesgonnablow 

Everything but the squeal

I'm finally decorating my apartment. It's been 20 years so I finally decided that this isn't a temporary situation and I need to maybe make it a little less sorority-house like. 

So I'm hanging pictures that I've taken, or things given to me. Anything that I can think of, or make, as long as it's unique. All beach related (no big surprise there).

Anytime i want to hang something, I just kind of plop the nail where I want it, aim the hammer, and swing away. If I don't like it, I'll pull the nail out, fill the hole with white toothpaste and re-hammer in another spot. My apartment walls look like a teenager's face with acne cream on it.  

Last night, I swung the hammer in the same area too close together, too many times, and ended up with a hole big enough for one of the cats to crawl through.

I realized even a whole tube of toothpaste wasn't gonna fill that crater. So I figured I had to go over to the hardware store to get some spackle. Only for the life of me, I couldn't remember what it was called. I knew it had an "s" and was a funny word but that was it. So I started playing around on papaer hoping it would jog my memory. 

I had splatch, spatula, scrack, splatter, but not spackle.

Well, I guess it was one of those times when your brain's working on it for you (in the background) because halfway through the day it popped into my head SPACKLE!!!!

spackle spackle spackle spackle

I had to keep saying it to remind myself, so I when i picked it up at Home Depot, I'd sound halfway intelligent. I typed it into my notes on the phone and looked at it right before I got up to the counter.

The guy asked what he could help me with and I said loudly, and proudly

"I need scrapple".

#everythingbutthesqueal #gottabefromphillyareatoappreciatethis #whatisscrappleanyway #panrabbit

#porkmush #pennsylvaniadutch #homedepot

Topless and freezing

In this freezing, freezing weather every year my car revolts and the driver's side door freezes up. I can't get in until the car's ready to let me. I have to go in thru the passenger side do a double-flip over the console, a cartwheel, round-about, and end up in my seat. With my spine issues you can imagine how fun this is for me. 

When I get out, if the car door is still frozen, I go thru the window, because, believe it or not, folding my body up is easier on my back. 

So tonight, I guess the car realized I was onto it's tricks, and froze both doors up WHILE I was inside. I must have panicked for a little bit because I don't remember trying to roll the windows down, I just know that, much like Batman, I flipped the top of the convertible up, did a half gainer, a front tuck, and stuck the dismount. 

I was out on the pavement in front of Rite Aid waiting for the Russian judges to give me their score when I realized that I would have to drive home topless, in this 30° weather, with no coat on, (because, "i was only going to Rite Aid"). 

So I did. Drive home with the top down. Except that when I unhooked it to get out, I never locked it in place. And as I sped up (to 25 mph), the top flipped up. Of course I couldn't stop right there because I couldn't see if there were cars behind me (never thinking to check mirrors). I wouldn't have been able to get out of the car to push the top down anyway; I would have had to stand up in the car like an idiot.  I chose to keep driving. Fortunately this all occurred within 2 blocks of my house. 

I got to my street and my mailbox, and, oddly my door did open, so, after I grabbed my mail, I left it like that. Of course I didn't think to hold the open door so it swung out, barely, but possibly, hitting a parked car. 

I grabbed the door so it closed, but it didn't close all the way. And then it wouldn't open again. I had to pull it till it clicked. Got home, pulled the top down and did my Gabby Douglas routine through the console to get out.

I bet I lost 20 pounds. 

#toplessdriving #freezingwithmytopoff #whodrivestoplessinthewinter #toplessin30°

Ode to a slug

Blog ode to a slug 

'Twas the week between Christmas and New Years I found

Some slugs leaving slime trails all over the ground

What is it about me 

that draws these fouls creatures

My blue eyes, blonde hair 

or some different feature

I've seen them in daylight,

Seen them give birth

They're here while it's freezing

there's no place on earth

For me to escape 

These "snails with no home"

From Avalon, SC

Wherever I roam

can't figure the reason 

they find me wherever

These slugs are not stupid

In fact they're quite clever

In summer they come

in the house while I sleep 

In the winter they slime up 

the ground by my feet

Attract them, then catch them

Then lead them away 

Yell at them

Give them no reason to stay 

Researched to stop visits

From unwanted guests

But no answers to help me

Get rid of these pests 

 

Slimey mucousy fat 

and they're thin

outside if I'm there 

Or the kitchen I'm in

I've stepped on them

Nighttime on Avalon concrete 

Squished thru my toes and

Slimed up my bare feet 

I've seen them give birth 

but from what I researched

They birth underground 

in the dirt in the earth

Why do they show me 

What they do when they're under?

the mysteries of life

they're secrets, the wonders 

Why share their secrets with me

It's a mystery

Do they want me to tell of their life

A slug history?

They're attracted to beer

but a drinker I'm not

But I would try anything 

So it's worth a shot

A bottle of miller 

could fill up a mug

But what do I do

With drunken, dead slugs

Still around me they come

Found no answer you see... 

It'd be funny if they're wondering

The same about me

#sluglife #stalkedbyslugs #Slugworld #slugsstalkmylife #slugslugagain