County Social Services
for Senior Citizens
asking them to send
me any info they could,
to help me with my 95
year old cousin, Betty.
I got a huge envelope,
filled with phone numbers,
a brochure, and presents;
a deck of cards, tape measure,
jar opener, pill box,
and a diaphragm.
A diaphragm. Huh.
I have heard that sex
is running rampant
in nursing homes.
But pregnancy surely
isn't a problem.
And a diaphragm
doesn't protect
against STDS
which I know is the
problem.
So I sat there
looking at it.
Trying to imagine
that conversation.
"Here Betty, here's your
diaphragm. You know,
so your 95 year old eggs
don't get you pregnant.
"But, Betty, you still
have to use protection,
so you don't get an STD.
Oh, a sexually transmitted disease.
It means you "caught" it from someone.
No. not a cold.
You get it because you didn't,
you know, "protect" yourself.
No, not because you didn't wear
warm clothes.
Because the guy didn't
wear protection.
No, not a hat and mittens.
Protection against
a sexually transmitted disease.
No, not the measles.
Not chicken pox either.
Look, here's a deck of cards.
Have your friends over
and keep busy doing that
instead."
I finally picked the "diaphragm" up.
And flipped it over.
And on the back it said:
"Medicine bottle opener
Place rubber ring over
top of medicine bottle and
pull. Lid will come off easily".
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