Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Broke my first New Years resolution already

I made the New Years resolution 
"I'm not going to curse anymore" while driving over the Walt Whitman bridge at rush hour.

I didn't even have the thought fully formed in my head when I broke the resolution.




#cursing #new years resolutions #philadelphia #too much traffic

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Just brush my cheek

just brush my cheek 

I have this one eyelash that is hanging straight down in front of my eye, and nothing I do will help move it back up where it belongs: with its friends.

I tried a small amount of hairspray. which ended up with all my eyelashes clumped together, except that one. It still hung down. And my eyeball stung.

I thought about a tiny bit of glue on a toothpick but nixed that idea cause I could see me explaining to the doctor why I had a toothpick hanging from my eyelid. 

I thought about cutting it but scissors and my shaky hands, I'd pop my eyeball and end up like Sammy Davis, Jr. 

You know how in meet-cute movies, there's always the scene where the guy finds an eyelash on the girl's cheek and he takes it gently off and tells her to make a wish?

I tried pulling the eyelash out but it clung too hard. I had my eyelid pulled so far out and down, that I could have licked it. 

I guess I'm gonna have to wait for it to fall out.

And have someone gently brush it off my cheek.

#meet-cute #juice newton # eyelash problems

Things I have actually said to my cats

Things I actually have said to my cats: Jake, Cullen, and Eminem

You picked the food, you're gonna eat it!

I like the way you're sitting quietly!

Good job keeping your food in the bowl!

Nobody thinks you're funny!

You have until the count of three, one, two... Good choice!

If you scratch that chair one more time, you're gonna find yourself without any treats....

You were given a direction, now get off that counter RIGHT NOW!

Aww, you're so snuggly! WAIT! Don't you dare sneeze in my face....Damn it Eminem! Go get me a tissue! 

Don't lay like that with all your pointy parts sticking up in the air: you're like a cactus with fur.

Don't slam against me for loving, and then swipe at me when I pet you. I'll swipe you back, I swear I will.

You need a quiet mouth. Meowing at me isn't going to get your food any sooner. 

Everybody needs to stop meowing at me!

#cats #kittens #furballs


Friday, December 19, 2014

The aCATamy Awards

The aCATamy award for director of Best Motion Picture "Silent Killer" goes to Cullen. Deciding the apartment was too cold, she tried to heat it up by lighting a burner, only she didn't get the flame going. 2 hours later, as I was heading to bed, I smelled the gas and called the maintenance man, who came and showed me how she tried to help. The kitchen is now a knob-free zone. 

The aCATamy award for lead role in "Off the Hook" goes to Eminem for realizing that I needed a day of rest, so she knocked the phone off the hook, thus giving me two full days without interruptions.

The aCATamy award for supporting role in "Over-Caffeinated" goes to Jake for believing I was too jittery, so he turned the coffee pot off mid-brew.

The aCATamy award for Best Picture, starring the Feline-American trio, Jacob Marley, Cullen Farley and Eminem (Miracle Marley), for their portrayal of innocence in "Don't Make Eye Contact", when I found my iPad on the floor with a shattered screen. 

The aCATamy award for Sound Editing goes to Cullen for her role in "Pump up the Volume". Her ability to time her jumps, which turn the radio on full volume, just as I'm falling asleep, leave no doubt as to why she's earned this award.
#cats
#kittens
#Academy awards
#furballs

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Brits got it right on this one....

I prefer the British spelling of certain words; favour, honour, behaviour, etc..

Well, I had a professor at West Chester who corrected me every single time I spelled any word that way. She never took points off, just wrote "Julie, that's the British spelling". So, of course after that, I owned it.

I had a child development class with her, so you can imagine how many times, per paper, I wrote "behaviour", and how many times she wrote  "Julie, that's the British spelling".

Back then, in the olden days; 1992, I was using a typewriter/word processor, so the spell check wasn't that great.

I misspelled the word "muscles" and it came out "muskles".

This time, I got a note back "Julie, that's the Popeye spelling".

#popeye #british spelling # honour # favour #behaviour #muskles

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Playing Amish

I had to semi-dress up for something so I threw on a white button down, black jumper dress, penny loafers (better for my back than heels) and did a long braid in my hair. 

Thank God I caught a glimpse of myself walking out cause I looked like I should have been churning butter in Lancaster. Off went the shoes, on went the heels, on with some jewelry, and out came the braid. So much better!

But I still took the horse and buggy.
 
#playing Amish
 #horse and buggy 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Not just Christmas cookies anymore

Um, does anybody else have a character in a game that you hate? There's a gingerbread man in 'cookie jam' who is the biggest ass-hat; when he beats me, he gets all cocky and moon walks across the top of the screen. 

I seriously would punch him if I could get in there. But you know, he'd be all 'run, run, as fast as you can, can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man'...

#run run as fast as you can 
#can't catch me 
#stupidgingerbreadman 
#cookiejam 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The first time you were a grown up

I wanted to take pix of the moon from a different perspective so i called a friend who i haven’t seen, really, in 30 years. and she told me to come on over. 

We worked together at Gino’s (home of the Hero) in Oaklyn in 1983. It was the first job for both of us. 

So for the hour while we stood there freezing, as I took pix of the moon, we talked about "growing up" at that job. 

Metaphorically, of course. I still haven’t grown up.

Throwing tomatoes on the ceiling and placing bets over whose would fall to the floor first 

Singing 80’s songs loudly into the microphone, 

I remember going through the drive through on my days off and ordering 400 hamburgers and 60 buckets of chicken then driving off hysterically. 

Taking home all the leftover chicken, so much that our families were sick of it, I know mine was almost happy when it closed. 

We talked about the people we worked with who we never saw again. “Did you hear about this one? Do you remember that one?” 

Your first job (if it’s a job like the one that we had), is almost like the first time you fall in love.

You’ll have other jobs, maybe better, longer jobs, maybe jobs you love more, but no other job will ever replace the fun, and friendships you made at your first one.

No other will have the memories you made at your first job. 

Others may come and go, others may be better, but your first job..

It’s the first time you were a "grown up”; you earned and brought home your own money, and you made your own friendships outside of school.
You were independent. 


#oldfriend #reminiscing #firstjob #foodontheceiling #Gino'srestaurant
# moonpictures #throwbackfastfood #jetflyinginfrontofthemoon

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Cyber Snatch

Cyber snatch

I passed a store in Philly called "Cyber Snatch" and I thought "What a great name for a porno site!" 

Then I realized it was in a row of stores and started to really think about it.

Do they now have strip joints that are all cyber cafes? 

Do dirty old men just go on, put their dollar in a computer and watch a stripper dance? 

When the dollar runs out, does the screen go black? 

Are these men able to put their face into a body, like in Jib Jab, and have a virtual stripper dance on their lap?

Do they wear earplugs and and listen to someone named "Candy Apple" whisper dirty sex talk into their ears?

Are they able to go to another site and pay for sexting with a girl of their choice? 

I kept myself amused thinking about this while I sat at the doctor's office. 

I passed the place again on my way home, and did a double take because the name of the place was actually "Cyber Santech".

#new porn name 
#porn cafe 

Sunday, November 30, 2014

R.I.P. X-Mas

When people write "Xmas" it makes my skin crawl. I know that X stands for "chi" which is part of a Greek word for Christ. I also know that "X" or "XP" can be written to stand for Christ.  

But I guarantee that 99% of the people who write Xmas don't know that. How lazy can you be? It's 5 more letters. 

And R.I.P.

For X's sake, don't even get me started on that. It makes me cringe to RIP written on a memorial page for someone who just died. It's lazy, hideous, and disrespectful. You can't write the 8 more letters in "rest in peace"?

We have become SO lazy. It's bad enough we're not teaching cursive, but I can almost guarantee that in our life time, even printing won't be a necessity.

(Almost) everyone has some type of phone or electronic device they carry with them; there's no reason to handwrite anything. 

I'm the first (in a long line of everyone who knows me) to admit that I should NEVER hand write. Even Mr Baum (8th grade Science) said it looked like I put a pen between my feet and ran across the paper. 

But when I have to actually write, I am very respectful with what I say. Sure, the recipient probably can't read it without a hieroglyphics expert, but trust me, I'm polite and respectful. 

I don't abbreviate important words, or phrases to save time and I expect the same from those who write to me.

Anyway, consider this a warning: when I die, if you write RIP in my memorial, I will haunt you. 

I swear to X, I will. 

#let's say RIP to RIP
#lazy people who write Xmas





Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Last drive in movie theatre in NJ

I took the back roads to the shore last week for no reason, just because. I like to get lost every once in a while; I can always "feel" where the ocean is, so I never mind going new ways. 

Well, wherever I was, I could see up ahead there was a drive in movie theater! Pretty cool because I got to watch it for a while. It was boring without the sound though,  and I wondered if there was a radio that I could tune in to. 

I must have been far from the theater because I was able to watch the movie for a long time. It looked like either "Speed" or "Gone in 60 seconds". Just cars, driving fast. 

All of a sudden the sound came on and I could hear the police and ambulance that were on the screen!

It was when they drove past me that I realized the "drive in movie" was actually my rear view mirror. 

Julie is easily able to amuse herself. 

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Jesus in cleats

So I drove by this catholic grade school in Philly today, and there, painted on the walls in the recess area, I swear I saw a 30 foot high Jesus. 

Wearing a catcher's mitt. 

Surrounded by other religious figures. 

Also ready to take the field. 

So I started to think about how that would go:

"Sister Ann, Sister Ann, JC's cheating again! He was on first base, I blinked and he was on third."

"Thank you, Judas, I'll take care of it. Jesus. Jesus Christ! Don't drag your feet, pick up those sandals and come over here now!"

"Yes, Sister Ann?"

"Jesus, are you levitating again?Didn't we just talk about that?"

"Yes, Sister Ann"

"I got a phone call this morning from Tony Bostenefazellio. He said you went over to his house last night, laid hands on Little Antny and healed his broken leg".

"Yes, Sister Ann."

"You're a good kid, Jesus."

"Thank you, Sister Ann"

"Now, will you and the apostles please stop playing tricks on Judas, there's something about that boy...."

"Yes, Sister Ann."

"Thank you, son, you can get back to the game. And Jesus?"

"Yes, Sister Ann?"

"Stop turning the Gatorade into wine".

Thursday, November 20, 2014

can we blame the shooter?

Unless you're me (who keeps vampire hours), or, under the age of 25, a text or call after 2AM is never a good thing.

This is what I got from my niece, Lindsay, last night: 
"I am safe in my apartment, luckily was not at the library tonight . Love ya 💜"
She goes to FSU and there was a shooting with 3 people injured. 

I have questions. 
Have there always been this many violent acts committed by young adults, we just never knew about them?

Has the media made the problem worse by almost glorifying the 
shooter?

Do people really think stricter gun laws will help, knowing that guns are always available on the Internet?

I know that there are mental health issues involved, but could some problems be caused by our generation never making kids accountable for anything?

Or are we putting Too much pressure on them? 

The kid fails a test, it's the teacher's fault. 
Everything has to be fair, so nobody ever strikes out.
This kid has piano, art, mandarin, and cooking classes weekly.
Each kid has an hour or more of homework a day, starting in first grade. 

Are we not letting them just be kids? 

It's gotta be partly our fault. We're the ones raising these kids. What are we doing wrong? 




Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Peter Pan-ish....

I was scrolling through the hundred or so notes on my iPhone, looking through them all: trashing old ones, chuckling at funny ones, and touched by tender ones. 

As I was reading, I found letters with suggestions for improvement, that I had written to Kia, Spirit, Jet Blue, and Walgreens. Notes I had taken at every doctor's appointment for family members this summer. Spiritual and inspirational messages to share.
Quotes by Kierkegaard and Mahatma Gandhi. 

I was filled with respect. For myself. 
I've finally grown up. It took me 49 years, but I'm an adult. Who keeps important information on her phone. And can quote Kierkegaard. 

Huh.

A little bit sad, and maybe mourning my childhood, I finally heaved a sigh of relief when, there, at the bottom of my notes it was: The Poopie List. 

Happy that I was still lightyears away from full maturity, I plopped back in my chair, hitched up my feety pajamas, took a sip of chocolate milk, and continued watching Sponge Bob.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Women and our hygiene problems

I usually only watch Netflix but in one day of network TV,  I found out that women, as a group:

Are thankful for having the right tampon on when they hang upside down.
We worry about that "not fresh feeling".
For the confidence to ask for a raise, we need to shower with Summer's Eve feminine wash.
Some of us have SAM in our pants.
We walk around with fur coats and Depends to show underawareness for bladder leakage.
We all want flowery smelling nether-regions.
Because all of our power as a woman comes from it, and men have fought and died for it, we should all
"hail to the V".
We all hate that feminine itch.
And for when we're "feeling rough around the edges and it's time to trim the hedges", there's Schick Quattro bikini trimmer.

According to these ads, we're stinky,  itchy, leaky, not-so-fresh, hairy, and carry our power in our pants.

Men? They only have to worry about a 4 hour erection.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The good thing about cancer

When I got Breast cancer, I was furious with Susan Komen. I had raised money for cancer research, walked in the race 15 times, and this was how I was repaid? Irrational, I know. But when you're told you're going to lose an important body part, you don't think clearly.

Because I have the BRCA gene, I opted to have the bilateral mastectomy, which was lucky cause they found it on the other side too. I was lucky all around; no chemo or radiation; the surgery took care of it all. Only problem I had was deathly MRSA. Sure my boobs were a small problem, (well, a 9 lb. problem) but it was the implants that almost killed me. 

I had the implants put in, got MRSA, had a picc line with vancomycin a couple times, then I had to have one implant taken out. I walked lopsided for 4 months. They put the implant back in, and I got MRSA again, so painful, that I had them both pulled. 

I had to have my ovaries removed and more reconstruction the next summer to prevent ovarian cancer.

You have to find the positives. I laughed the whole damn summer I was dealing with everything. It was all so stupid. I'm flat chested. I don't have to wear a bra. I don't have to deal with feminine products anymore. When my back is healthy, I'm able to golf more easily; no boobs in the way when I putt.  

And that's my story. So please if you remember anything from this, it's to get a mammogram. If the doctor tells you that you're too young, fight him or find a new doctor. Be proactive. It's your body. 

I swore that I'd never acknowledge when I hit the 5 year cancer-free mark. Too many people get there, then have a recurrence. But my sister's been such a warrior for me and my mom, that I feel the need to say "Yes". I'm now 5 years free of cancer. And I thank Robin for celebrating me and my mom every single time that Florida has a Breast Cancer event. Love and adore you!

 

















Thursday, November 13, 2014

Sweaty stuff

I had to pick my uncle up from rehab and take him to the airport. 

He's been there since his knee surgery 6 weeks ago, so before we left the place, I had a little bit of running around to do: checking with nurses, moving my car, grabbing his clothes and wheelchair, etc. 

I was pretty tired and sweaty, so, while I was waiting for him, I bent over and laid my head down on the hallway railing. I had a jacket on, and one wrapped around me, so I wasn't surprised to feel sweat pour off of me. 

I was so hot that sweat was dripping down the back of my neck. The back of my ponytail and jacket were soaked. 

I heard him coming, so with a big exaggerated yawn, I lifted my head up. 

And got a mouthful of soap.

I wasn't dripping sweat.

I had laid my head under an automatic hand sanitizer. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Driving topless

November 11th and it is gorgeous out! 

So gorgeous that I just had to drive back from the shore in the convertible topless.

So gorgeous that I also put the convertible top down.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Meanwhile, over at the skunk house....

Animal control closes at 5:00
on Fridays and I wonder if animals know this and plan accordingly?

Meanwhile over at the skunk house....

 "Daddy's home! Boys, ready to tear up the town? Drop some stink bombs?"

"Oh Bob, I don't want a repeat of last week"

"Judy, that was a fluke! We found those turned grapes, I got drunk, and ran right into the trap. The kids were fine!"

"Right! Watching their father slurring, spitting, and spraying all over the place!"

"Judy, they were heroes. It's every teenage boys dream to start a story with "So my pops and I were so wasted..."

"Bob! I had to run to the zoo to get help from that horrible snooty monkey: "Look at me, I've got opposable thumbs!" Damn foreigners". 

"Come on, Jude, you know we don't grow monkeys in the USA! Besides, she and the mister were taken from Madagascar."

"Bob, I thanked her and told her if she needed help with anything to just ask. She looked down her flat nose and "pooh-poohed me."
Well actually she "ooh ooh ooh, ahh ahh ahhed" me."  

And said "darling there's nothing you can help me with", I told her if she ever needs an area cleared, I'll spray and people will run for cover. She said "WE are quite capable of clearing an area. We just throw feces".

"And Judy isn't that sad? 
A pooh-poohing, poop throwing, primate who was pulled from her place, put on a plane, and put here to perform". 

"Nice alliteration "Bob"

"Thank you!"

"Well.... her mate has an ass like Kim Kardashian!"

"Yeah! Judy what's up with that? All those boy monkeys have that red apple butt. Is it a mating thing?"

"Don't know Bob, but it's certainly not Red Delicious. Now go, enjoy your night out and be careful!"

"Aww, Judy you're the best! I love you, you big stinkbomb!"

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Happy Foolidays!


It's Thanksgiving and time for turkey! Unless you're one of those rednecks who eats "turducken".

Why the hell can't we just leave the holidays alone? They always work beautifully until someone decides they can make money in a new and stupider way, hence: bird stuffed in a bird stuffed in a bird. 

Since we're combining stuff:

How about for Christmas we have the "Angelfanta"? An elf sits on a shelf looking creepy, till Christmas Eve, when he delivers the packages, then jumps on top of the tree to watch over Christmas.

And Easter? "Eg-bun-oink". A rabbit hops around delivering colored eggs while the pig eats chocolate rabbits. 

Memorial Day "Trafnic" while you sit bumper to bumper on the Atlantic City Expressway, set up your lunch baskets in the car and have a giant picnic.

4th of July "The Shore-b-q". while sitting on the beach baking in the sun, instead of fireworks, they just shoot off hamburgers and hot dogs. 

And for the vegans, instead of chicken, ham, and beef, you can have "little-faux-peep", "s'ham", and "don't-beefooled".


Saturday, November 8, 2014

The first post : a love letter to Avalon

Growing up Avalon

From the Friday traffic, through the stinky marsh smell, we knew every landmark along the 75 mile ride to get there. As we reached exit 13 on the Garden State Parkway, the anticipation was so great, we could have run the 3 miles to the house. Avalon was, and is the great love of my life. 

My aunt bought the cottage from my grandparents, and the house has been in the family since 1950. It has no insulation, heat, or even an inside shower because it is a true beach house. Meant to be used from May to October.

Every Saturday and Sunday, and a couple of weeks in the summer, we filled a cooler with sandwiches and drinks. And got to the beach before the lifeguards. We stayed on our towels and in the ocean, until way past the lifeguards left for the night. 

We had to use beach tags, but never had enough, so when the beach tag checkers were walking toward us, two or three unlucky souls had to feign sleep or run into the ocean. 

At least once a weekend, my mom chose a random sandwich and replaced the lettuce with seaweed. "Tee hee, it makes your hair curly" 

No need for boogie boards, (they're for amateurs) my family perfected body surfing. My dad could catch a wave that was just a ripple, and ride it all the way up to the life guard stand. My mom showed us how to ride, even the roughest waves, without getting her hair wet. Many bathing suits were pulled down, or off, by waves, and screamingly retrieved, only to be lost again on the next ride.

We shared seaweed sneezes, toe pinching crabs, and dribble castles. The summer that Jaws came out, we hesitantly entered the water, only needing one gentle brush against a leg to send everyone screaming back to the shore. 

When we were lucky enough that the ocean left us a gully, we spent hours splashing around the hot water, finding hermit crabs that were named and lovingly placed in buckets; only to die overnight. When sand crabs were accidentally dug up, we enjoyed watching them hurriedly bury themselves, just to dig them up again. The constant whistles of the lifeguards blended in with the roar of the ocean. 

Sunburned, bathing suits filled with sand, seaweed, and pieces of shells; we returned from the beach, almost at dusk. We had to walk through the side yard, stepping on holly leaves, inevitably getting one stuck all the way in the bottom of our feet. After summers of fighting over who got to use the outside shower first, one of the adults came up with the idea of drawing cards. Highest card got to go first.

We had a bucket outside to wash our feet before we came in, but sand hid in bathing suits and hair that hadn't been washed yet. There are no rugs, it's all wooden floors; and no matter how much we swept or vacuumed, there was sand everywhere. But it didn't matter, sand is synonymous with a beach house. 

We sat on our screened in front porch for hours, fighting over who got to sit in the hanging basket chairs, playing cards, Chinese checkers, parcheesi. 
Our nana taught us how to play jacks, but none of us had her expertise; she could bounce the ball and pick up what looked like 100 jacks spread over the entire porch. It wasn't until we were in our teens that we realized there was, and had never been tv in the house.

Dinner was late, 9:30ish, after we kids sat on the back deck and husked enough corn to feed what felt like a small nation. There's a small Boardwalk in town, no rides, but at the time, it included a movie theatre that played Disney movies, usually something with Kurt Russell. There was an arcade with skee ball as the main attraction. Every summer we played skee ball, and saved our tickets till the end of the summer to take home a huge prize; something that would probably sell in a dollar store today. We ended the night with ice cream cones from Dippy Don's, where an invisible pianist entertained us on a player piano, while we waited in line, trying to choose between mint chocolate chip or bubble gum flavor, chocolate or rainbow jimmies. 

After screaming as we jumped over the thousands of slugs on our sidewalk, the arguments started over who was stuck sleeping on the cot instead of a bed. We kids argued a lot in that tiny cottage, but it was all inconsequential, because, we were just so happy to be in my aunt's home, our home. 

The main stores in town are still there today: Hoys 5&10, and Koehler's 
Bakery. Hoys carries every Avalon tchotchke imaginable, as well as necessities. If you need underwear, a dog bowl that says "I love Avalon", rhinestone flip flops, and a plunger, Hoys has them. Watching the parade of people walk back and forth to Hoys, is almost as enjoyable as visiting yourself. 

Koehler's bakery should be listed in Fodor's. It's an entity unto itself. No matter the time of day, your ticket number is at least 30 people from the counter. On Sunday's, my pop pop had always said we "had to get there before the Catholics" because once church let out, the wait was interminable. Fortunately the good people of Koehler's know this, and have many many counter people. They advertise their opening and their last day of the season, so people can plan accordingly. My Aunt buys Koehler's sticky buns, so that we can all freeze and eat them Christmas morning. 

There were times as I was growing up that I visited other beaches with my friends. There were good beaches, great beaches, but none as fabulous as Avalon. None of the other beaches had our soft gray sand, the perfect distance from the boardwalk to the ocean, the perfect amount of people. And none had a beach that was a block and a half from my house. I felt like I was cheating on Avalon. I was, and always end up, drawn back to my first love. 


The small cottages on the street are being replaced slowly with 2, and 3 story houses. We've lost sunshine coming from both directions. But our house stays the same. With all of the mansions surrounding us, it's still our cottage that people stop to look at, and compliment. We have the same 5 American flags hanging from the corner of the porch, our crooked tree, original cobblestone sidewalk, and 2 basket chairs hang invitingly from the porch. If you look up at the rafters of the porch, you'll see the rubber frog nailed up there by my Uncle, after my brother and I played one too many games of "hide the frog in the drinks".

If you're ever in Avalon, walk by my house and say hi. My uncle will get up from his chair on the porch and offer to cut you flowers from his garden. Or give you a bag so you can pick ripe pears from our trees. Because that's our Avalon. We love it so much, we have to share the joy.