WWF is not fake; it's living on my pajamas

I'm a little behind on my wash, like before Christmas behind, so I had about 7 mountains of it go out yesterday. I mean, I've done some small loads in between, (draws and pajamas), but the rest of the stuff has piled up to epic proportions. 

Seeing as how I have no clean pajamas left, I'm stuck wearing this: draws and a sweatshirt, feety pajamas, with a hood and pockets that are green and black with John Cena WWF, written all over them. 

They were the ONLY feety pajamas available last year so I bought them.  

I'm so pretty. 

#50yearsoldinfeetypajamas

#whoisjohncena

#wwfisrealandlivingonmypajamas

Inter-uterine explosive device

For some reason I kept calling an IED (incendiary explosive device) an inter-uterine explosive device.

Till I realized I was confusing, and combining IED and IUD. 

But then I realized that my version of IED was perfect for a woman in labor. 

"Dr. Smith, we've got a woman with an IED on her way in. She said she felt it start to rumble around 3 hours ago" 

"Thanks, I'll be there in an hour. Since this is her first, tell her not to expect it to blow for another 12-20 hours."

"Ok doctor, can you check on the Thompson baby when you get in? Those premature IEDs always worry me. They may make a quiet entrance but they leave a big hole in the parents heart until they're healthy."

"Sure, Hey!!! How about the head on that baby last night! Talk about an IED! That baby ripped a hole in that poor mom; you could see her throat."

When I get pregnant, I'm hoping they'll have come up with a better solution to the IED.

Maybe feeding the mom in labor a lot of cod liver oil, so he just slips out. 

Or maybe some in-utero yoga, so the baby's able to gently fold himself into a position that he just bends through the pelvis.

Yeah, the IED part's nothing to look forward to, but, no matter how they get here, they're worth the blast.

#ied #ied #pregnant #gethimoutofthere #ohmygodshesgonnablow 

Everything but the squeal

I'm finally decorating my apartment. It's been 20 years so I finally decided that this isn't a temporary situation and I need to maybe make it a little less sorority-house like. 

So I'm hanging pictures that I've taken, or things given to me. Anything that I can think of, or make, as long as it's unique. All beach related (no big surprise there).

Anytime i want to hang something, I just kind of plop the nail where I want it, aim the hammer, and swing away. If I don't like it, I'll pull the nail out, fill the hole with white toothpaste and re-hammer in another spot. My apartment walls look like a teenager's face with acne cream on it.  

Last night, I swung the hammer in the same area too close together, too many times, and ended up with a hole big enough for one of the cats to crawl through.

I realized even a whole tube of toothpaste wasn't gonna fill that crater. So I figured I had to go over to the hardware store to get some spackle. Only for the life of me, I couldn't remember what it was called. I knew it had an "s" and was a funny word but that was it. So I started playing around on papaer hoping it would jog my memory. 

I had splatch, spatula, scrack, splatter, but not spackle.

Well, I guess it was one of those times when your brain's working on it for you (in the background) because halfway through the day it popped into my head SPACKLE!!!!

spackle spackle spackle spackle

I had to keep saying it to remind myself, so I when i picked it up at Home Depot, I'd sound halfway intelligent. I typed it into my notes on the phone and looked at it right before I got up to the counter.

The guy asked what he could help me with and I said loudly, and proudly

"I need scrapple".

#everythingbutthesqueal #gottabefromphillyareatoappreciatethis #whatisscrappleanyway #panrabbit

#porkmush #pennsylvaniadutch #homedepot

Topless and freezing

In this freezing, freezing weather every year my car revolts and the driver's side door freezes up. I can't get in until the car's ready to let me. I have to go in thru the passenger side do a double-flip over the console, a cartwheel, round-about, and end up in my seat. With my spine issues you can imagine how fun this is for me. 

When I get out, if the car door is still frozen, I go thru the window, because, believe it or not, folding my body up is easier on my back. 

So tonight, I guess the car realized I was onto it's tricks, and froze both doors up WHILE I was inside. I must have panicked for a little bit because I don't remember trying to roll the windows down, I just know that, much like Batman, I flipped the top of the convertible up, did a half gainer, a front tuck, and stuck the dismount. 

I was out on the pavement in front of Rite Aid waiting for the Russian judges to give me their score when I realized that I would have to drive home topless, in this 30° weather, with no coat on, (because, "i was only going to Rite Aid"). 

So I did. Drive home with the top down. Except that when I unhooked it to get out, I never locked it in place. And as I sped up (to 25 mph), the top flipped up. Of course I couldn't stop right there because I couldn't see if there were cars behind me (never thinking to check mirrors). I wouldn't have been able to get out of the car to push the top down anyway; I would have had to stand up in the car like an idiot.  I chose to keep driving. Fortunately this all occurred within 2 blocks of my house. 

I got to my street and my mailbox, and, oddly my door did open, so, after I grabbed my mail, I left it like that. Of course I didn't think to hold the open door so it swung out, barely, but possibly, hitting a parked car. 

I grabbed the door so it closed, but it didn't close all the way. And then it wouldn't open again. I had to pull it till it clicked. Got home, pulled the top down and did my Gabby Douglas routine through the console to get out.

I bet I lost 20 pounds. 

#toplessdriving #freezingwithmytopoff #whodrivestoplessinthewinter #toplessin30°

Ode to a slug

Blog ode to a slug 

'Twas the week between Christmas and New Years I found

Some slugs leaving slime trails all over the ground

What is it about me 

that draws these fouls creatures

My blue eyes, blonde hair 

or some different feature

I've seen them in daylight,

Seen them give birth

They're here while it's freezing

there's no place on earth

For me to escape 

These "snails with no home"

From Avalon, SC

Wherever I roam

can't figure the reason 

they find me wherever

These slugs are not stupid

In fact they're quite clever

In summer they come

in the house while I sleep 

In the winter they slime up 

the ground by my feet

Attract them, then catch them

Then lead them away 

Yell at them

Give them no reason to stay 

Researched to stop visits

From unwanted guests

But no answers to help me

Get rid of these pests 

 

Slimey mucousy fat 

and they're thin

outside if I'm there 

Or the kitchen I'm in

I've stepped on them

Nighttime on Avalon concrete 

Squished thru my toes and

Slimed up my bare feet 

I've seen them give birth 

but from what I researched

They birth underground 

in the dirt in the earth

Why do they show me 

What they do when they're under?

the mysteries of life

they're secrets, the wonders 

Why share their secrets with me

It's a mystery

Do they want me to tell of their life

A slug history?

They're attracted to beer

but a drinker I'm not

But I would try anything 

So it's worth a shot

A bottle of miller 

could fill up a mug

But what do I do

With drunken, dead slugs

Still around me they come

Found no answer you see... 

It'd be funny if they're wondering

The same about me

#sluglife #stalkedbyslugs #Slugworld #slugsstalkmylife #slugslugagain 

A snake's a snake, right?

A snake's a snake

Right?

I didn't expect my dad to kill it.

just to make sure it wasn't gonna come after me.

I mean, it did that whole sidewinding, sliding along the ground, away from me trick

And I yelled at him to keep moving.

Then he did the cobra head in the air.

I guess trying to hypnotize me

So I took a picture of it 

And ran in to ask my mom and dad if it was poisonous

But who can tell from a picture?

So I went back out and got closer.

Cause the snake hadn't moved.

but I wanted to know if I should be afraid of him.

So I snapped a couple more pictures from different angles.

And ran back into prove that yu-huh-

It was a snake.

And should I be scared

and would it bite me and was it poisonous?

And finally my dad got up.

And grabbed tongs. My Mom's. 

That she uses to flip hamburgers with.

and he went out to see the snake. 

And poke the snake. 

And flip it over. 

While I yelled through a 1 inch crack in the door: 

don't let it bite you! 

watch his head! 

don't flip him out where he's just gonna slither back and get me!

Then watched in horror as he smushed and squished him into the cement. 

And left it there. 

"Swish it into the grass" I yelled!

but he wanted to leave it so he could identify it in the morning. 

Meanwhile I have to look at this snake carcass every time I go outside till the morning. 

And worry that the mother is gonna come looking for me to fang me. 

But a snake's a snake. Right?

Even if its only 4 inches long.

#snakes #cottonmouth #rattlesnake #boa constrictor #overimagination

Does your cat do this? Cat behaviours defined!

The "Ice Dancer" - When you return home, the cat winds between your legs in a figure eight, for 5 minutes straight.

The "Hulk Hogan" - When the cat is insistent on body slamming into you, to get attention, but mostly to attain food.

The "How Dare You!"- The unexpected slap you get when you walk by your cat, who's sitting at a height close enough to slap you in the face.

The "Button Face"- When the cat is insistent upon giving you the backwards view of his body, so you end up staring at his tail, with his butt in your face.

The "Screen Protector" - The ability of a cat to sense when you're working on the computer, thereby ensuring he'll walk back and forth, then plop right in front of the monitor.

The "Screaming Mimi" - The loud wailing a cat makes between the time you open the can of cat food and, the 45 seconds it takes for you to put it in his bowl to serve him.

The "Backup and Sniff" - The attitude the cat pulls when he decides he doesn't want the cat food you've given him, even though he loved it 2 hours earlier.

The "Electric Blanket" - When your cat lays on top of you, covering every inch of your body, no matter the weather, purring so loudly in your ear, you can't sleep.

The "Pizza Maker" - Those fun times when your cat finds the most sensitive spot on your body and kneads you for 3 hours, showing his affection by drawing blood.

The "Tootsie Pop" - How many licks does it take a cat to finish grooming its fur? A million and three apparently.

The "Norman Bates" - That eerie feeling you get that someone's watching you while taking a shower, only to have the shower curtain come flying in as the cat plays between the curtain and liner. Causing you to jump, and the cat to peek his head in to see why you're interrupting playtime.

"Santa's helper" - The ability that every cat has, to hear you wrapping a gift, and time it, so that just as you're finishing, he jumps on top and shreds the paper to bits.

The "Magicians Assistant"- The trick a cat does, where he's able to fold himself up into a size so tiny, you can never find him. Until you pull out a shot glass and he peeks up at you.

#cat #kitten #furball #cat tricks #haughtycats #catsruledogsdrool #catattitude #thetruthaboutcats
#stucktoyoulikeglue #catsarethebest #catsrulethehouse #catsruletheworld #ifpeopleactedlikecats