Sunset in Stone Harbor

Eensy weensy spider climbed up my pillowcase

I walked in from outside

and plopped down on my bed

and a spider crawled from my shirt

onto my pillow 

I quickly flicked it into the floor because, well, ew. 

Who wants a spider walking on their pillow?

Them I sicced the cat on it.

After much fun chasing it around, 

the cat ate it. 

Then jumped up on the bed 

And threw it up.

All over my pillow. 

#spidervsvomit?

It's ok to run over Catholics

I was sitting at a red light in front of a church.

It had a sign that said "Watch out for Presbyterians in crosswalks". 

Pretty specific sign. 

Especially for a church. 

If you hit a Presbyterian did you go to hell? 

Was there any leeway?

What if it was their fault because they were jaywalking?

If you hit an Episcopalian, Baptist, Methodist, or a Lutheran, were you damned because they were also Protestants?

Did that mean that it was ok to hit a Catholic?

While I pondered this, a horn honked so I pulled away.

But I looked back to read the sign again.

Yup.

"Watch out for Pedestrians in the crosswalk".

#Mowingdownpedestrians #gladimnotcatholic

Microsoft "wiruses" in India

There is no Microsoft respond center that monitors your computer remotely. 

The Indian men who call to tell that your computer is full of "wiruses" are scamming you. 

If you're going to scam people, at least learn to pronounce the letter V   

#getajobinyourowncountry      #stopthirdworldscammers 

#callthembackandsellthemcamels

Alligator shoo

There's an alligator on my mom 

and dad's good course 

My mom got an email labout it 

Then she actually saw it when she was golfing 

It was just sitting there 

On the 6th hole 

She said it was big. 

Really big 

Like at least 8 feet long 

So last night when I heard a dog whimpering 

them screaming

I immediately thought of the alligator

My mom and dad have been here 20 years. 

I sit outside whenever I'm here and I've never once heard a dog bark, let alone cry and whimper like that. 

It was horrifying.

I tried yelling in to wake my dad, 

but my mom and he were in there competing over who could break the sound barrier with only a snore. 

So I started whistling loudly from the safety of my front patio. 

Then, I lowered my voice to what I hoped was Barry White decibels, but in all reality was more Betty White, and I thundered (squeaked) "HEY!" across the street. 

The whimpering continued 

and then some snarling started, 

so I was hopeful that meant that the dog was fighting back.

I didn't want to go inside because I was petrified to sit there alone. 

But I didn't want that poor dog to feel 

it's last breaths on earth were unheard 

So I stayed on the porch and rocked back and forth quickly, 

while covering my ears. 

Taking my hands off every few seconds at a time, 

just to see if it was finally over, 

all the while I was hissing and whistling 

and making every noise I could to scare the alligator away. 

Finally

Finally the screaming stopped 

The horrible whimpering and snarling,

It was over. 

I didn't realize I had been holding my breath but as I let it out,

I was wondering if I was gonna see the alligator come swishing on over to this side of the street. 

And the carnage. 

God bless who ever had to clean that up in the morning. 

This was all running through my head when I saw the dog come running out from behind that house across the street. 

It didn't even register until a minute or so later when I saw movement from the other side of that house. 

Another dog came running out. 

All that hooting whistling and hollering I was doing? 

It's mating season. 

It was just background music for the two of them

while they made sweet, sweet love in the grass.....

#crocodilerock #alligatorshoo #doggiestyle

Sitting in a puddle

I had a meeting in Stone Harbor this morning, so naturally I was nervous.

I always sweat when I'm nervous

And I was wearing my ($1.00 lucky brand) jeans, which if you know me, I never wear pants, let alone jeans,

So I was sweating even more. 

I had the air conditioning on in my car, the window open, and my hair was wet so I really shouldn't have been as hot I was, but I was dripping wet. 

I actually felt like I was melting. 

I asked Siri the temp in Avalon and it was only 59 so it didn't make sense. 

I chalked it up to nerves, rolled my pants up, and sweated my way down the shore. 

I couldn't wait to get out of the car right next to the ocean so that the freezing breeze would cool me off. 

I reached over to pull my keys out 

and saw that I had driven the whole way down with my seat heater on. 

#puddlesofsweat #nervesofsweat

Losing a covered wagon

Ah, Haddonfield.

Charming town nestled in Camden County

Steeped in rich history.

Proud of its magnificent colonial buildings

Yet, if the settlers, The Quakers, came to town today, they'd just ride on past.

And you'd hear them exclaim as they rode out of sight.

"What the hell's up with those potholes?"

#coveredwagons #haddonfieldnj #quakers #grandcanyonsizedpotholes