Você gostaria de comer Tea and Krumpets?

I always knew
my geography was hideous;
we weren't taught that in school.
We only had map skills.

I took geography in college,
which consisted
of knowing the capitals
of every country in the world,

which I memorized,
and promptly forgot
after every test.

I remember
going over the terrain,
because the teacher
spent a lot of time

talking about the devastation
that could occur
if a tsunami ever hit the
Bangladesh area.

Foreshadowing.
This was 1992.

And I only remember that
because she pronounced it "Bongladesh"
which sent me
into fits of hysterical laughter
every time she said it.

27 year old mature me.

Other than that
I know nothing.

My whole life
whenever I sit on the beach
and stare out at the ocean
toward England,
I've wondered
if someone in England
was sitting on their beach
staring out and looking at us.

And I thought that if I swam
straight across the ocean,
I'd meet that person
And we'd have
tea and crumpets.

Today I found out
that we're directly
across from Portugal!
I've been staring
at Portuguese people
and didn't even know it.

So, I've been staring
at someone
who doesnt speak
my language.
and would probably
serve me some Portuguese  
fish dinner

that I don't even like.

Deers, and owls, and skeletons, oh my!

My niece, Kelly is 8.
The absolute best age to teach
They love school,
They're excited to learn.
Not yet fresh-heads,
who talk back,
They're still in awe of school
and love the teacher.

So when Kelly and I were
carving a pumpkin together,
I asked her
what she was learning
In science
and she mentioned

The body.
the heart.
I got excited,
and told her
I could get a deer heart
to give to her teacher.
She said she'd
have to ask her mom.

Then she said they learned
sbout how food
went down their belly.

I got excited
told her I had a lesson
that showed the whole
digestive system,
where they could
make the first bite
all the way
to poop.

She said Yuck!
But we laughed hysterically!
50 year old,
mature aunt Julie.

Then she said this week
they were
working on the skeleton.

I got excited
told her I could get her
Owl pellets.

Which are basically
owl throw up.
of the stuff
that owls can't digest.
whole skeletons
of animals they've eaten.
you pick through the pellet,
find  the bones,
then put the skeleton
back together.

As soon as I said
throw up,
she was shaking her head.
Even when I
told her I could
get fake pellets.

Then I realized
I had the perfect
skeleton lesson
And I offered her
pictures of my vertebrae.
15 years.
Of Cds, and x-rays,
That she was really
Excited about

When I told her that
I could show her the
Broken vertebrae
all the screws
And rods
And cadaver bone
And cages
And how
every couple of years
the screws and rods
Got higher and higher
Up my back
I made it sound
Spooky

She loved it!
She said she'd
run in and call
her mom!!

"And Aunt Julie.
what were they called?"
Vertebrae

"Veldebed"
me: close, ver te brae
"veee debrel"
Me: You're getting close, vertebrae
"veertabbed" "ventaded"

Me: ok why don't you go in
and call your mom
and we'll work on
you pronouncing
it later
So she ran in
And two minutes later

And very nonchalantly,
comes out
The back door
And, over her shoulder,
I guess proud,
for finally learning
how to say the word,
Says to me
"I told my mom about your
veraBradleys".

Lee Greenwood, hope you don't mind

Sorry, not funny but, thus bothered me....

Across town, we had a little boy wander from his home in the middle of the night this week. The whole town searched for an hour in the morning, and they found him a couple blocks away, laying near some woods. They don't know what happened, and, thank God, so far it doesn't look like anybody did anything. The whole town stood by each other, and the poor family. I was so proud of the community, that, Lee Greenwood, I've taken some liberties and changed the words to your song "Proud to be an American", and shared it on the community web pag.

If tomorrow
someone asked me,
What I thought of
where I live.

Haddon Township's
Full of people,
With extra love and
Hope to give.

I'd thank my luck stars,
to be living here today,
Cause the town all got together
In the most amazing way.

And I'm proud to live
in my home town,
Cause when that
Young boy died.
We stood together,
Hand in hand and
wiped our tears,
we cried.
And I'd gladly stand up
Next to you,
A stranger,
Hold on tight.
Cause there ain't no doubt
This tragedy,
Changed us overnight

From Graisbury,
To Cuthbert,
To Haddon Avenue.
From Greenman road,
To South Park Drive
Locust avenue.

Newton Creek too,
Across the Pike,
To Berwick,
Yeah, it's true.

Where there's pride
In every one of our hearts,
And it's time to stand and say
That Haddon Township
Though it's huge,
This nightmare
Made us tight.
We gathered
In a group for him,
To burn the candle lights,
Those who couldn't be there,
Well they,
made their feelings known,
On every doorstep round the town,
Lights and candles shone.

And I'm proud to live
in my home town,
Cause when that
Young boy died,
We stood together,
Hand in hand and
wiped our tears,
we cried.
And I'd gladly stand up
Next to you,
A stranger
Hugging me,
We sent that angel
on his way,
God bless that family.

Senior citizens have sex too, you know!

My mom called
County Social Services
for Senior Citizens
asking them to send
me any info they could,
to help me with my 95
year old cousin, Betty.

I got a huge envelope,
filled with phone numbers,
a brochure, and presents;
a deck of cards, tape measure,
jar opener, pill box,
and a diaphragm.

A diaphragm. Huh.
I have heard that sex
is running rampant
in nursing homes.
But pregnancy surely
isn't a problem.
And a diaphragm
doesn't protect
against STDS
which I know is the
problem.

So I sat there
looking at it.
Trying to imagine
that conversation.

"Here Betty, here's your
diaphragm. You know,
so your 95 year old eggs
don't get you pregnant.

"But, Betty, you still
have to use protection,
so you don't get an STD.
Oh, a sexually transmitted disease.
It means you "caught" it from someone.
No. not a cold.
You get it because you didn't,
you know, "protect"  yourself.
No, not because you didn't wear
warm clothes.
Because the guy didn't
wear protection.
No, not a hat and mittens.
Protection against
a sexually transmitted disease.
No, not the measles.
Not chicken pox either.

Look, here's a deck of cards.
Have your friends over
and keep busy doing that
instead."

I finally picked the "diaphragm" up.
And flipped it over.
And on the back it said:
"Medicine bottle opener
Place rubber ring over
top of medicine bottle and
pull. Lid will come off easily".

Amazing Grace? Who saved a wretch like her?

I did nothing but complain
about the Pope visit.
Because it was disrupting our lives
Papal - roads closed
Papal - on the news
Papal papal papal
Then Saturday came
And I watched every bit of it
From the moment Shepherd One
Touched down in Philly
Till it took off for Rome
Every bit of it

Except for Aretha
That horror show
I'm embarrassed
That she walked out and
Didn't acknowledge
the Pope
And started singing
a song
One of THE most holy
Songs of all
And RUINED IT

In the papers
It was written like this:

"infamous, dramatic soulful pauses
before stirring up some holy spirit
and dancing her way off stage."

She's arrogant
And snotty
But not uppity
Because I just found out
that "uppity" is racist

Even though it has
the same definition

Regardless
She's a pompous ass

She may not be Catholic
And she may not believe
In what the Pope preaches
But she was there to sing
FOR HIM

she should have at least turned
And nodded

And maybe sang a song
That was recognizable
And not a dichotomy

Because, Aretha
You were definitely a wretch
And you were anything
But graceful

Papal rain, papal haze

Papal
Papal
Papal
I've heard it so many times in the last couple months, especially this week, that the word has lost any religious meaning and has taken on a life if it's own.
The tri-state area is paralyzed because of the papal visit.
Traveling will be impossible because of the papal visit.
Expect congestion in Philadelphia, and all of south Jersey, because of the papal visit.
With all of the preparations, it's more than a papal visit.
We're getting ready for Hurricane Francis.

Who's who?

Thursday September 17th
I'm watching the debate and find it confusing that there are no names under each candidate.

So I named them myself to keep them straight; silly-hair, jack-ass, sad-sack, du-uude, the doctor, the preacher, creepy, B3, who's that?, the girl, and Chris Christie