Broke my first New Years resolution already

I made the New Years resolution 

"I'm not going to curse anymore" while driving over the Walt Whitman bridge at rush hour.

I didn't even have the thought fully formed in my head when I broke the resolution.




#cursing #new years resolutions #philadelphia #too much traffic

Just brush my cheek

just brush my cheek 

I have this one eyelash that is hanging straight down in front of my eye, and nothing I do will help move it back up where it belongs: with its friends.

I tried a small amount of hairspray. which ended up with all my eyelashes clumped together, except that one. It still hung down. And my eyeball stung.

I thought about a tiny bit of glue on a toothpick but nixed that idea cause I could see me explaining to the doctor why I had a toothpick hanging from my eyelid. 

I thought about cutting it but scissors and my shaky hands, I'd pop my eyeball and end up like Sammy Davis, Jr. 

You know how in meet-cute movies, there's always the scene where the guy finds an eyelash on the girl's cheek and he takes it gently off and tells her to make a wish?

I tried pulling the eyelash out but it clung too hard. I had my eyelid pulled so far out and down, that I could have licked it. 

I guess I'm gonna have to wait for it to fall out.

And have someone gently brush it off my cheek.

#meet-cute #juice newton # eyelash problems

Things I have actually said to my cats

Things I actually have said to my cats: Jake, Cullen, and Eminem

You picked the food, you're gonna eat it!

I like the way you're sitting quietly!

Good job keeping your food in the bowl!

Nobody thinks you're funny!

You have until the count of three, one, two... Good choice!

If you scratch that chair one more time, you're gonna find yourself without any treats....

You were given a direction, now get off that counter RIGHT NOW!

Aww, you're so snuggly! WAIT! Don't you dare sneeze in my face....Damn it Eminem! Go get me a tissue! 

Don't lay like that with all your pointy parts sticking up in the air: you're like a cactus with fur.

Don't slam against me for loving, and then swipe at me when I pet you. I'll swipe you back, I swear I will.

You need a quiet mouth. Meowing at me isn't going to get your food any sooner. 

Everybody needs to stop meowing at me!

#cats #kittens #furballs

The aCATamy Awards

The aCATamy award for director of Best Motion Picture "Silent Killer" goes to Cullen. Deciding the apartment was too cold, she tried to heat it up by lighting a burner, only she didn't get the flame going. 2 hours later, as I was heading to bed, I smelled the gas and called the maintenance man, who came and showed me how she tried to help. The kitchen is now a knob-free zone. 

The aCATamy award for lead role in "Off the Hook" goes to Eminem for realizing that I needed a day of rest, so she knocked the phone off the hook, thus giving me two full days without interruptions.

The aCATamy award for supporting role in "Over-Caffeinated" goes to Jake for believing I was too jittery, so he turned the coffee pot off mid-brew.

The aCATamy award for Best Picture, starring the Feline-American trio, Jacob Marley, Cullen Farley and Eminem (Miracle Marley), for their portrayal of innocence in "Don't Make Eye Contact", when I found my iPad on the floor with a shattered screen. 

The aCATamy award for Sound Editing goes to Cullen for her role in "Pump up the Volume". Her ability to time her jumps, which turn the radio on full volume, just as I'm falling asleep, leave no doubt as to why she's earned this award.

#cats

#kittens
#Academy awards
#furballs

The Brits got it right on this one....

I prefer the British spelling of certain words; favour, honour, behaviour, etc..

Well, I had a professor at West Chester who corrected me every single time I spelled any word that way. She never took points off, just wrote "Julie, that's the British spelling". So, of course after that, I owned it.

I had a child development class with her, so you can imagine how many times, per paper, I wrote "behaviour", and how many times she wrote  "Julie, that's the British spelling".

Back then, in the olden days; 1992, I was using a typewriter/word processor, so the spell check wasn't that great.

I misspelled the word "muscles" and it came out "muskles".

This time, I got a note back "Julie, that's the Popeye spelling".

#popeye #british spelling # honour # favour #behaviour #muskles

Playing Amish

I had to semi-dress up for something so I threw on a white button down, black jumper dress, penny loafers (better for my back than heels) and did a long braid in my hair. 

Thank God I caught a glimpse of myself walking out cause I looked like I should have been churning butter in Lancaster. Off went the shoes, on went the heels, on with some jewelry, and out came the braid. So much better!

But I still took the horse and buggy.

 

#playing Amish

 #horse and buggy 

Not just Christmas cookies anymore

Um, does anybody else have a character in a game that you hate? There's a gingerbread man in 'cookie jam' who is the biggest ass-hat; when he beats me, he gets all cocky and moon walks across the top of the screen. 

I seriously would punch him if I could get in there. But you know, he'd be all 'run, run, as fast as you can, can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man'...

#run run as fast as you can 
#can't catch me 
#stupidgingerbreadman 

#cookiejam 

The first time you were a grown up

I wanted to take pix of the moon from a different perspective so i called a friend who i haven’t seen, really, in 30 years. and she told me to come on over. 

We worked together at Gino’s (home of the Hero) in Oaklyn in 1983. It was the first job for both of us. 

So for the hour while we stood there freezing, as I took pix of the moon, we talked about "growing up" at that job. 

Metaphorically, of course. I still haven’t grown up.

Throwing tomatoes on the ceiling and placing bets over whose would fall to the floor first 

Singing 80’s songs loudly into the microphone, 

I remember going through the drive through on my days off and ordering 400 hamburgers and 60 buckets of chicken then driving off hysterically. 

Taking home all the leftover chicken, so much that our families were sick of it, I know mine was almost happy when it closed. 

We talked about the people we worked with who we never saw again. “Did you hear about this one? Do you remember that one?” 

Your first job (if it’s a job like the one that we had), is almost like the first time you fall in love.

You’ll have other jobs, maybe better, longer jobs, maybe jobs you love more, but no other job will ever replace the fun, and friendships you made at your first one.

No other will have the memories you made at your first job. 

Others may come and go, others may be better, but your first job..

It’s the first time you were a "grown up”; you earned and brought home your own money, and you made your own friendships outside of school.

You were independent. 

#oldfriend #reminiscing #firstjob #foodontheceiling #Gino'srestaurant
# moonpictures #throwbackfastfood #jetflyinginfrontofthemoon

Cyber Snatch

Cyber snatch

I passed a store in Philly called "Cyber Snatch" and I thought "What a great name for a porno site!" 

Then I realized it was in a row of stores and started to really think about it.

Do they now have strip joints that are all cyber cafes? 

Do dirty old men just go on, put their dollar in a computer and watch a stripper dance? 

When the dollar runs out, does the screen go black? 

Are these men able to put their face into a body, like in Jib Jab, and have a virtual stripper dance on their lap?

Do they wear earplugs and and listen to someone named "Candy Apple" whisper dirty sex talk into their ears?

Are they able to go to another site and pay for sexting with a girl of their choice? 

I kept myself amused thinking about this while I sat at the doctor's office. 

I passed the place again on my way home, and did a double take because the name of the place was actually "Cyber Santech".

#new porn name 

#porn cafe