I spent a whole week without listening to, or reading about any news. And it was AMAZING!!!

The world without news, or social media, is a kinder gentler place. Nothing disrupted my life to inform me of the horrors everywhere...... The world was at peace Malls were safe to go to. ISIS didn't exist. There were no police shootings. There were no unruly protests against police. No angry "Black Lives Matters" rallies that turned ugly. There were no pipe bombs exploding in trash cans. No dead baby whales washed up on the beach for no reason. Trump didn't say anything jackassery. Clinton didn't lie. Brad and Angelina were still happy. No sports legends died. Nobody changed the names of holidays because they didn't want to offend anyone else. No little kids went into schools with a gun, intent on killing their classmates. Global warming wasn't a hoax. At the end of the week, I reluctantly turned the news back on. And reality came crashing back in. War Fires Floods Death Destruction Murders Protests Doom Gloom Horror I turned the TV off. And threw the remote away. and them turned around and picked it right out of the trash. because there's always Nickelodeon.

"Impordant", "fustrating" mispronunciations.....

I've noticed that people are pronouncing more and more words incorrectly. I'm not just talking people we know. I've heard it on TV. On the news. People who are supposed to know better. "Impordant" people. People who took the letter "t " out and replaced it with a letter "d". Oldtimers is not the name of Alzheimer's, just because you're old when you get it. Autistic kids are not "Artistic" kids. I've worked with them. Some of them can't even hold a crayon. They usually just eat it. Has Santa Claus ever come down your "chimley"? Because he's only ever come down chimneys in my neighborhood. Supposebly the letter "d" belongs in the word, not a letter b. I took a "pixture". Did you? You took a selfie "pixture"? Was it "bootiful"? Did the "c" from the pixture hang out with the "eau"? This list is making me "Fustrated". I'm gonna stop for a bit. Find the letter "R", and come back with some more gems.......

Jimmies, chocolate sprinkles, and pickle popsicles

I had to go to Walmart the other day. To get a prescription filled. I hate Walmart. The store of the great unwashed. But it's the only place that ever has this one medicine that I need every month. I had to wait half an hour, so I picked up some stuff that I needed. Paper towels, milk, and ice cream. I wanted chocolate jimmies. So I asked the sales lady where I could find them. She didn't speak English, So she didn't know what I meant. Understandable. "Jimmies" is a local word for sprinkles. So I asked again, for "chocolate sprinkles". She took me to whipped cream. I laughed and repeated, "chocolate sprinkles". So she took me to strawberry syrup, So I said "NO - chocolate sprinkles", "chocolate sprinkles" Because if you say it twice, while shaking your head no, it makes it more understandable. This time though, I did pantomime - Shaking sprinkles onto an ice cream cream cone. She finally took me to another sales girl; who also barely spoke English. I asked her for chocolate sprinkles for ice cream, pantomiming it as I asked. She tried to send me to the craft department. I again explained what I wanted. But she told me to go to the craft aisle. So I ended up in the cake decorating aisle. Where the only food was those melting chocolate discs that taste like soapy wax. I walked back to the front of the store And tried the baking needs aisle No luck. I saw another sales girl who sent me way down, to an end row, Where they had a display of ice cream cones. There were no jimmies. I ran into another sales woman and explained that I had been playing Marco Polo all afternoon, Looking for jimmies She spoke English And she understood me. She said: "well, Miss, we don't have everything! We're not a super Walmart!" Makes sense. Of course, I could buy : -a cigarette lighter the size of my arm -a motion detector toilet bowl light that "lights up your toilet with seven ambient colors for those middle of the night trips to the bathroom" -A bacon scented pillow or a -Pickle flavored popsicle. I just couldn't get jimmies.

The inventor of the cheesesteak?

We went to Pat's Cheesesteaks  On Passyunk in Philly.  So I can cross that off  my imaginary bucket list. That I never would have had  listed on there anyway. And it would be an imaginary  cheesesteak that I'd have to cross off. Cause I got a hot dog .

Thumbs up

A couple of weeks ago, my right thumb blew up. No reason for it that I can think of. Just blew up. from my inside palm all the way up to my nail, And now when I bend it, at the knuckle, it clicks. So when it didn't go away after 2 weeks, I went to urgent care. They took x-rays, And found nothing broken. They said I have torn ligaments, and what's called "Game-keepers" thumb. So, with my active life, I've been trying to figure out which game tore my ligaments: - turning the pages on the Kindle - Driving up to see My 85 year old cousin, Betty in long term care at the Masonic Home - Using the stylus on my iPhone - Sleeping in the lounge chair - Playing hide and seeking with the remote, with the cats. I haven't figured it out. I'm afraid if I start worrying about it, the strain of thinking may tear a ligament in some other part of my body. #Phantominjury #nogamekeeperthumb

Answer me honestly. Why do you think I pulled you over? "Honestly"

So when the police pull you over and ask "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Is that a rhetorical question? Do you answer it honestly? Do you list all the things you're doing wrong that he could be giving you a ticket for? "Uh... I didn't have my seat belt on?" "I was texting and driving?" "I was 20 miles over the speed limit?" "My tail light is out?" Are you supposed to do his job for him? Or do you sit there, innocently, and give him Bambi eyes. Widen them as much as possible and drop your jaw a tiny bit, when he tells you the real reason. Oh my gosh, I had no idea that was illegal! I would normally never - Let my 2 year old sit on my lap and steer. Openly drink a 6 pack with the convertible top down. Carry a dead body in my trunk. Fit 6 people in a 2 seater. Smoke a bong. Watch TV from my dashboard dvd player Read and answer emails. Curl my hair. Shave. Change out of my shirt. Thank you so much for the warning, and I can assure you, that it'll never happen again. (Because I'm getting a radar detector.)

Trigger happy: or why Sandy Cheeks caused my blushing cheeks

Sometimes I have problems remembering names. Probably because I don't pay attention. So when it's important, I try to pair the name with something else. As a way to jog my memory. When I had to take my 95 year old, cousin Betty to the Masonic Home to live, I met at least 6 different people who were going to be her caregivers for the rest of her life. I had to pair the names. Some were easy. Carol sitting next to the wreath was obviously "Christmas Carol". When I was having a hard time leaving, Between guilt and my tears, Joan told me to be strong. I thought of her as "Joan of Arc" Betty lived on Nantucket West, so Sandy was "Sandy beach". And so on... The only flaw in my plan was the receptionist. whose name was also Sandy. I couldn't come up with a trigger to jog my memory. Finally, I thought of Sandy Cheewhat. Sponge Bob's best friend. A squirrel. Nickelodeon is on when I leave the house, and 9 times out of 10, Sponge Bob is on. I figured perfect. Sandy Cheeks was the last thing I saw when I left the house, And the first thing I saw when I got to the Masonic Home. I just had to remember Sandy Cheeks. Sandy Cheeks. Sandy Cheeks. 3 days later, I was proud of myself for remembering Who she was. As I repeated it to myself, to guarantee no slip ups, Sandy Cheeks, Sandy Cheeks, Sandy Cheeks. I walked in the front door, got to the receptionist, And said "Hey, Squirrel!"