I'm 50. I'm pretty

I went to a funeral yesterday morning in Philly. 

and when I left, I thought my car was making this horrible noise,

but no lights were on the dashboard so I ignored it . 

And blamed it on the city. 

A couple times, cars with guys in them passed and honked at me, 

and I was all proud, cause, you know, I'm 50.

I had a dress on, my hair was braided, jewelry on;

I could still attract attention, so in my head I was singing "I'm 50, I'm pretty".

Then a huge dump truck pulled up, 

and the guy leaned out and yelled "hey, you're -" I couldn't hear the rest.

but he pointed at the car. 

Not me. 

He pointed at the car. 

So I pulled over.

Yup. Of course.

I had run over the orange cone that said "funeral home".

It was caught between my tire and the wheel well. 

and I had driven, with it stuck there, all the way down to the bridge. 

boo boos and skinned knees at 49 years old

I'm gonna be 50 years old on August 6th, yet I'm still getting boo-boos every week on my knees.

Just as one heals, I bang my knee and get a new one.

I take blood thinners, so one little scratch makes the room look like a crime scene. 

I may have boo-boos but, oh my god! I have Awesome calves!

I can't take credit for them. 

They came with my legs.

#calvestodiefor
#keepingjohnsonandjohnsoninbusiness
#littkekidknees

Skunk whisperer

I was sitting outside on the steps in Avalon when I felt something brush my leg.

I looked down and it was a blonde cat.

My Aunt Cynthia and Uncle George have two cats, Ava and Lona (of last year's fame), who are calico and grey/white.

So I said to this cat, "Where'd you come from?"

It turned its head up and looked at me, all cute and innocent. 

with his pointy black face. 

That's when I saw his black stripe.

I did a triple gasp, and said to him "Why are you out now, it's not even totally dark yet?" 

I swear he smiled at me 

Then, he turned around and scooted back under the house.

And I know, I just know, that he was excited to tell all the skunks and skunklets: 

"She's baaaack!!"

#skunkwhisperer

#stinkbutt

#housefulloftomatojuice

Sunset in Stone Harbor

Eensy weensy spider climbed up my pillowcase

I walked in from outside

and plopped down on my bed

and a spider crawled from my shirt

onto my pillow 

I quickly flicked it into the floor because, well, ew. 

Who wants a spider walking on their pillow?

Them I sicced the cat on it.

After much fun chasing it around, 

the cat ate it. 

Then jumped up on the bed 

And threw it up.

All over my pillow. 

#spidervsvomit?

It's ok to run over Catholics

I was sitting at a red light in front of a church.

It had a sign that said "Watch out for Presbyterians in crosswalks". 

Pretty specific sign. 

Especially for a church. 

If you hit a Presbyterian did you go to hell? 

Was there any leeway?

What if it was their fault because they were jaywalking?

If you hit an Episcopalian, Baptist, Methodist, or a Lutheran, were you damned because they were also Protestants?

Did that mean that it was ok to hit a Catholic?

While I pondered this, a horn honked so I pulled away.

But I looked back to read the sign again.

Yup.

"Watch out for Pedestrians in the crosswalk".

#Mowingdownpedestrians #gladimnotcatholic

Microsoft "wiruses" in India

There is no Microsoft respond center that monitors your computer remotely. 

The Indian men who call to tell that your computer is full of "wiruses" are scamming you. 

If you're going to scam people, at least learn to pronounce the letter V   

#getajobinyourowncountry      #stopthirdworldscammers 

#callthembackandsellthemcamels