Why is there an egg in bed with me?

So last night I hopped into bed, and an egg rolled out of my sheets. Not a big egg, this was the size of a Robin's egg. It was white, and spotted with brown. So I picked it up, but it was too soft to be an egg. So, being my father's daughter, I sniffed it. It smelled like cinnamon. I smushed it in my fingers a little bit, and realized what it was. I had brought my lunch out, and set my snack on the plate with it and then got distracted. My cat, Jake, sensing an opportunity, grabbed it, and ran. He then, licked all of the cinnamon off of the outside, and left me with a naked Irish Potato.

Knock those hooters around!

When I had my mastectomy, I had the implants put in at the same time that they removed the cancer. But the implants they put in, were inflatables. Yeah. Once a week, the doctor would add some saline to inflate the expander, which would stretch the skin. I guess about four months later they'd remove the inflatables, (the expanders), and replace them with the saline implants. So I was actually gonna be leaving the hospital flat chested. The thought of THAT devastated me. Those of you who knew me, remember my bra size. As far at I was concerned, to go from THAT, to flat chested was worse than the cancer. I couldn't even imagine how awful it would be to leave the hospital with that part of my body amputated. Oh. I laughed. I joked. I had people placing bets - Feeling me up, then guessing how much they weighed. (9 pounds) But, underneath I was having panic attacks. It was too awful to think about. Enter Missy. Bless her heart. She knitted me boobies. Yes. She. Did. She found a pattern online. And made me "Knitted Knockers" Crocheted breast prosthetics. So that I wouldn't have to leave the hospital flat chested. How adorable is that? This was all almost 10 years ago. The inflatables didn't inflate. I got deathly MRSA in one side. (This has NEVER happened before) Story of my life. I had to have that one pulled out. Then when they thought the MRSA was gone they put it back in. I got MRSA again. (This has NEVER happened before) So, I had both sides pulled out. And I walked out of the hospital Flat chested. But finally out of pain. The Knitted Knockers were put in a drawer. with the mastectomy bra, and forgotten about. Until last week. All of a sudden I noticed one of the Knockers was lying in a different area of my house, every few hours. That's when I realized my cats were playing "bat the boobie around".

But why can't a GUILLOTINE go through airport security?

My Mom, dad, and I, go through Kindles like water. My Amazon account is now up to like: "Julie's 7th Kindle". My mom didn't like the touch screen, so I bought her the Kindle 4, where you press the buttons on the side to turn the pages. I came up from the ocean and plopped my beach chair right down on the Kindle, cracking the screen in half. I bought a Kindle Fire for my cousin in the Masonic Home, but she didn't use it once. It sits in my room haunting me. This Christmas my dad had his Kindle Paperwhite stolen out of the lost and found at Myrtle Beach TSA. He decided to take this bagel cutter, (that was a gift) in his carry-on luggage. And couldn't understand why they wouldn't let him take it on the plane. TSA made him go back through security and have them put it in his checked luggage. He's explaining this to us, and was mystified that they made him surrender it. This! Bagel cutter! A GUILLOTINE! With a 4 inch triangular pointy knife. Dad! Seriously! He said, "But it had the plastic around the knife" OK. Because plastic can't be stepped on and broken. And that lethal knife pulled out, and used to take a plane down. OHHHhhh...... So. He had to go BACK through TSA to Spirit, where the woman at the counter (after giving him a raised eyebrow) had to run in the back, find his luggage, and put the GUILLOTINE in there. Then my dad had to go BACK through security, take his Kindle out of his carry-on, and put it on the machine. But, he was so flustered over the whole "GUILLOTINE" incident, that he forgot to grab the Kindle And he didn't remember it until AFTER he was in my car, and at my brother's house, and then still, until he was back at my house. Where we all searched diligently for it, with no luck. When they got home and he went through TSA, he realized that maybe, with "GUILLOTINE-GATE", he had forgotten it there. So he searched, and asked, and looked in Lost and Found, but it was gone. Someone had helped themself to a paperwhite Kindle. Merry Thieving Christmas to them. Fortunately, I had my mom's touchscreen Kindle to send to him. It doesn't light up. But it's a Kindle. "Julie's 8th Kindle."

Can i be a "bag lady" in this day and age?

I just had to run to Walgreens to pick up photos. And, it being a lazy Sunday, OR, me, being lazy, on a Sunday didn't feel like getting dressed. So I threw on a pair of sweatshorts over my longjohns, and an Avalon sweatshirt over my pajama top, and a ripped Polo ball cap on, and left the house. It was the ugliest-ass outfit you ever saw. Never mind the fact that the sweatshorts are Ralph Lauren, They're sweatshorts! And GREY. Ugly. And my longjohns have blood on them down the calf because I neglected to notice that I cut my leg. And when I bleed, it's a murder scene. And I didn't comprehend the hideousness of my outfit, until it was staring at me in the reflection of the Walgreens door. And I realized I looked like a bag lady. Except in this "Oh So Sensitive" Politically Correct climate, I couldn't say that. So I decided that the new term is "Big Brown Bag American". But watch. Even though Bloomingdales has had that term forever Someone will object to the use of "brown".

Mirror, Mirror

I am pretty much close to blind. Without my glasses So when I put mascara on it's a disaster. I have to be an inch from the mirror, which then gets fogged up and I get all sweaty from the close space Today. I found out that putting mascara on in the airport is about the worst makeup experience I could ever have. The counter was three feet wide. So I had to take a running jump, to parkour onto the counter just to sit on top of it. And then, lean OVER the sink, to see my eyes. Meanwhile the sink was electronically activated, So everytime I breathed I got soaked. while my right side was getting squirted with soap. And there were no paper towels. Or hand blowers They only had those "Efficient Hand Dryers" That you stick your hands down into and sound like a rocket blasting off. So, ticked off, I rounded the corner, thinking maybe toilet seat covers would work to dry me off in a pinch And there, hanging on the wall, was a full length mirror.

No whining, no trolls, no adults......

I was so tired of seeing all the negative posts The politics. The racism. The butt hurt. The whining. The people who were offended by the capital letter in the sentence above it. So I hunted for a "fluff" page. Something that would be fun, all positive posts, light and breezy. I found it in a Grey's Anatomy page. It was great. All cute posts about the show. Questions about the characters. What if this happened? And not one miserable post about current events. Exactly what I was looking for. Almost too perfect. I couldn't believe it! There were no trolls trying to post about politics, or grumble about the fact that there are interracial couples on the show. Then on "Open Question Friday", (You can talk about something other than Grey's) Someone posted: "What are you afraid of?" Someone answered "getting my period for the first time. I heard that it hurts." Yeah. I was on a site with pre-teen girls.

What's in a name? A lot! When it has bad press twice!

I think we can safely say that the name "Scott Peterson" has been ruined forever....

Gun control? Here we go again!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Here we go again. With today's shooting there's gonna a major outcry for gun control. But we still need to look at the underlying issue of mental health. You can take all the guns away but you're still gonna have people who are mentally ill. and they're gonna find a way to "get revenge". Whether it's using a bomb. or driving a truck through a crowd. So, call for gun control. But it's not gonna solve anything. No. It's not. We need to look for signs of kids being bullied Or signs of mental illness. Like anything out of the ordinary on social media. that gives HINTS that someone may be focusing on a topic or subject that could come out in a violent burst that hurts people. It's not hard to see the warnings! Maybe if everyone was as vigilant abut these kids social media accounts that glorify weapons, as they are about guns after an incident, they could stop the shootings before they happen.

Meep meep

Sony Pictures had to apologize because an animated character used blackberries as weapons in the Peter Rabbit movie Seriously! An animated character (Peter Rabbit) used a slingshot to fling a blackberry into the mouth of Mr. McGregor who was allergic, who then went into anaphylaxis shock and had to give himself an epi-pen. In that vein, I'd like the Acme company to offer an apology to the Road Runner. for all of the anvils they sold to Wile E Coyote in his effort to have the Road Runner for dinner. @Sony @nj101.5

Blue light special!

I had to get my license renewed. Apparently they've changed things. You're not allowed to smile anymore. You have to have a "neutral" face. And the guy made me take my glasses off. I told him that was stupid, because I'm never NOT gonna have my glasses on. He said that for facial recognition they need me without my glasses. I said, but I will ALWAYS have them ON, I'm blind without them, that for facial recognition they'll need pictures of me with them on. Yeah, that didn't fly with him. and he made me take them off. He told me to stop smiling and to look at the blue light. I said, "Blue light? Dude, I can't even see the camera." #njDMV

Yeah, your food is rotten! Don't take it out on us!

Welcome to Butt Hurt Nation! Where humor goes to die Where you can't do, or say anything Without offending someone. Party City ran an advertisement, A funny, maybe 30 second, advertisement, Poking fun, at the tastelessness of gluten-free food. Cardboard and glue-tasting Gluten-free food. Celiacs all over, were offended, demanded an apology, and a boycott on the store. And Party City caved, apologized and pulled the ad. Yet, we all know, the ad was true. Gluten-free food is hideous. How about, instead of Celiacs Getting mad at Party City, They get mad at the food manufacturers, And demand better recipes for gluten-free food? Maybe they'll finally get something edible, And the return of their sense of humor. @partycity

Black dresses, turtlenecks, and boobs

SEX ual harassment Got your attention? Ok. So, everyone was talking about the the women who wore black dresses to the Golden Globes in support of the victims of sexual harassment. but THEN wore the dresses slit up to the Heavens, or down to their belly buttons. Or had every bit of breast hanging out. (Except for the part of the breast that feeds the world. As if THAT'S the shameful part) When I saw the whole thing on the news, I admit, I thought it was a bit hypocritical. "Let's fight sexual harassment. By looking extra sexy" Until today. I was getting dressed You know, bra-less. Since I had cancer I have nothing to put in one, so I don't need a bra. But as I put on a turtleneck it jogged a memory: "Is it cold out, or you happy to see me?" Anybody who knows me knows I've always dressed conservatively. Nothing. sexy. ever. that would draw attention to the fact that I was carrying around A Pamela Anderson-sized chest. So I hid it. Well, as hidden as any mountain could be. Casabas. Bazoobies. Hooters. 9 lbs of chest. I had them weighed when I had the mastectomy. That's what I carried on my front. In my bra. From the day I woke up with them, (because I swear they grew overnight) in 1978, to the day I woke up without them, in 2008, 30 years later, I got sexually harassed. For 30 years. By bosses, boys, teachers, friends, boyfriends, boyfriends of friends. Turtleneck * "I was in the melon section at the Acme and thought of you!" Button down shirt * "Can I stick my face in there and motorboat you?" Polo shirt short sleeve * "What size bra do you wear?" Sweater * "Are those things real?" Long sleeve crew neck * "Can I feel them?" Henley shirt * "You brought the girls out!" Hoodie * "How do you carry those things around all day?" Crew neck sweatshirt * "Can I put this tray of food on there?" Conveniently brushing against me. Conveniently touching me. Sending me outside for things in the cold, to come back in with tell-tale nipples. See. It doesn't matter what you wear. Boys are boys. Men are men. And Boobs are boobs. As long as they thought that there were boobs hiding under my clothing, I was getting sexually harassed. So. To the women who took their boobs and let them fly free. And slit their dresses up to Heaven I say "Good. For. You " We can hide them or we can flaunt them It shouldn't matter. It's not something that we should have to worry about. It's part of who we are. We have no control over it. We shouldn't have to dress so that somebody else doesn't react to it. That's on them. Not on us. I spent thirty years covered up so that I didn't have to hear abuse. But. I heard it. I felt it. I got it. Anyway. So. From now on keep your hands and your words to yourself. We don't want them. You big boobs. #Timesup

Happy New Year 2018!

Other than the beach, my favorite thing to take pictures of is the moon. So of course I'm excited that this year is starting off with a full moon. AND, on January 31st, we're having A FULL, SUPER, BLUE, BLOOD, MOON, with a total ECLIPSE! It's like the best of everything a moon can be...... We only get to see a partial part of the eclipse early (6:30am) in the morning, but you know where I'll be. Toasty in bed. What the hell. It's January. No. Probably, down at the Delaware trying to get some shots of it. Sometimes, it's the little things that make life worthwhile. You just don't realize it until after they've happened. Happy New Year to everyone! Hope you're as excited about things to come as I am!!!

Merry Christmas! (No X allowed!!!)

This may be a repeat) An honest question. Why is Christmas so offensive that people can't look at the written word, or hear it being spoken? Sales clerks arent allowed to wish you "Merry Christmas" anymore lest they offend you. I understand that some people aren't Christian, that's fine, but what is so offensive that we can't enjoy it? Do they think that by saying Merry Christmas, people are trying to convert them to Christianity? I will say one BIG pet peeve of mine, is the word X-mas. Yeah I know "X" stood for Christ in days long ago, but you never hear that anymore. The word "X-mas" is only used now because people are too lazy to write the other 5, (that's right, 5) letters. They're taking Christ out of Christmas because of laziness. But I digress. Other than the fact that we start decorating at Labor Day, it boggles me that people make such a fuss about saying Merry Christmas. I really think it's tiny, petty people who have nothing better to do with their time than to find offense with everything. Protesters and activists, are harming their credibility, by continuously trying to find something to turn into an injustice. If everything is offensive, what is appealing? If someone wished me "Happy Hanukkah" or "Ramadan", it wouldn't even register. My ears wouldn't bleed. But God forbid the schools even call it "Christmas break" anymore, or "Easter break". These party poopers act like you tried to kill a puppy. They're probably the same people who, on Halloween this year, tried to have an ordinance passed in their town that people could only give out nut free candy. Which means no chocolate. Seriously? A Halloween without chocolate???? That's like taking Christ out of Christmas!

United I stand

I went to the gym today. First time in years I'm trying to do PT to get so I can stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time. When I got home, I poured myself out of the car and I could hear, from the field around the corner a girl starting to sing The National Anthem. So I took my hat off, and I stood right there. In the street A block away and listened to her sing The National Anthem. Because that's what you do. You stand. And this girl? She was singing like she had something to prove. My legs were jelly. I was shaking, and jiggling. But I stood. Because that's what you do You stand. when someone is singing The National Anthem. #unitedwestand

Bunny hop on out of here

Sad bunnies everywhere mourn the passing of a legend. Hugh Hefner was responsible for more "hidden media" than all of the politicians In Washington. (How many beds had a Playboy under the mattress?) Hef showed the world that boobs and heineys belong in magazines. And that every girl likes to sit naked in a meadow or on a horse or walking down the beach, or on a car hood. Or dreamed of playing naked volleyball with other girls. Rocking a bathrobe, Living in a mansion, With a gaggle of "girls" The Hef was hero To all men. But he set women Back to the stone ages. God bless him May he rest in peace. And may the idea of "the bunnies" go with him.

Take a knee, take a hike

You can take a stand Or take a knee In protest You... in the NFL Uh, the "National" football league Why don't you Take action instead And do something To help the cause you're protesting for Or against. And leave the "National Anthem" out of it.

What's that smell?

So I'm sitting at the airport And somebody walked by, With a perfume That I've smelled before. And I can't place it. But it brought back random happy feelings. What do you call that? Sniff-a-vu? Deja-pu?

Sand castles, and fireworks, and witches, oh my!

You know how it is. It's the third week of July. It's been in the high 90's, for weeks on end. The humidity is disgusting. You've been living in a bathing suit, flip-flops, and not much else. Where else does your mind turn to? Halloween. Of course. Sand castles, fireworks, and spooky witches. Fear not. Acme has you covered. They've got their Halloween candy out.

A week's worth of ice cream

A couple of times every summer, Aunt Cynthia and I would walk down to Sundae Best, in Avalon to get ice cream. And, every time, my uncle would yell at us. and tell us that he could make us ice cream sundaes every night for a week, and it would be cheaper than what we'd spend on just one visit. He was maybe right. But, in the summer, you have to get ice cream from the ice cream place in town. Even if a cone costs the same as a half gallon. Today I took my niece To some self serve Froyo yogurt place, in Westmont And told her she could get whatever she wanted. So she did. And I paid for it. $8.50 EIGHT! DOLLARS! AND! FIFTY! CENTS! For one ice cream mess. That didn't even have a cone. And what did I say? "Oh! My! God! Kelly!!! I could have bought 4 half gallons of ice cream that are on sale at the Acme right now!!!" But it was worth it. Because it's summer. And she was happy. And I want to be the Aunt Cynthia to all my nieces and nephews.